The beauty of Submission by a Little

It’s been a long time since I wrote anything as these days my world kind of turned on itself. But I had a crazy dream and then had inspiration to write something about a dream I had this morning.

The beauty of submission. What really is the true act of submission? Why is it so important to a little? All my yummy little secrets. And most importantly who is it for.

Let’s start off with the dream I had. I had met a man. A man who disclosed that he had a very temultuous life but needed a grounding change in the activities of his world. He was charming and different. Something about him was closed so tight within himself. But he was fast. Like he knew what he wanted and was ready to go. (Which btw can also be a red flag) our first few encounters in my dream consisted of him introducing himself as a man of means, but a man who had a very dangerous way to making his means and asking if I was willing to be open minded. I guess coming from my own past I was used to some sort of illegality. The next scene was him making an elaborate dinner and introducing me to his family which was so odd as each of his relations seemed to be in on a joke I couldn’t be a part of just yet. So the introduction was a harsh one. Me being put on the spot with a load of pressure, him facing his consequences of finding someone in his life who wasn’t approved. I had to step away ready to go home after such embarrassment only for him to reach to me and tell me “please stay, tomorrow I get you all to myself and we will discuss all there is to me and see if you will be able to handle it.” After that scene, it seemed like his home, this one beautifully renovated penthouse floor in this seemingly abandoned building, was filled with all sorts of people all one kind of dangerous to the next. And one of them I had recognized as an older uncle of mine, who had a past within 90s urban gangbanging. Who took to stealing my wallet and cash thinking I had not noticed. Calling him out about it he smiled at me graciously gave it back with my little cash purse along with it. But the Dangerous Man was no where to be found to defend me. So I made my way down the stairs to leave. As I decended floor after floor looking for the Dangerous Man to say goodbye, it seemed like the building was not so abandoned and the basement was still full of noise. I made my way through the double doors into what I can describe as a fantastic casino built into a scene from The Great Gatsby. You know what I mean, the extravagance of a party where no rules were held where every walk of life was invited and everyone was there. One one side of the floor you could see the tables, the casino the other, a giant ring. As I pushed my way into that room I saw him. The Dangerous Man, in the arena. And it seemed like he was the main attraction that evening. I saw him jab a blow at his opponent just before making eye contact with me in the crowd and all of a sudden he stopped the match. For a single moment he looked at me. A face of disappointment before he uttered a command to what seemed like a bodyguard to “take care of her” next thing I know I’m running scared I’m going to be killed and run into another uncle of mine dressed up in a fine suit and he abruptly steals me away into a dark stairway. He takes two shots with his pistol to the wall. Tells me “run, go now!” And I start going back up the stairs. I run up to an empty floor that had been an abandoned store of something that used to be there. And hid myself in one of the closets until I was brave enough to venture to safety. All this time I couldn’t stop thinking of the look the Dangerous Man had on his face when he saw me. It was so much more than disappointment, it was lonely. Like hurt, like that moment you wish for something and in another turn your wish doesn’t come true and you sit there in defeat. Then I woke up.

Why does this have any relevance to submission?

Its made me think of my own journey of submission. What it had brought me to understand. What kind of life I had been given and why well; why sometimes, I miss it. Truly miss the intimacy of letting go. How brave and beautiful it Showed through me. And how happy I had been when it was truly and fully given. How this last decade of finding myself began with the question of who I was and what finding being little was about for me.

I remember my first Daddy. And if any of you have known me in the past, my first Daddy was the pilot. What many of you don’t know, is i got to see him again a few years ago. Not for anything much but just for a visit. He’s still just as charming. Still for sure the perfect Daddy to my only sister sub. They’re still beautiful together. Enveloped in their perfect little bubble. My mom who made the visit with me was confused. Why there was such a special intimacy between the three of us. The pride the pilot had in his eyes when he saw me in years knowing how much I had grown. The bittersweet hug goodbye after having treated us to a fabulous lunch at our favorite restaurant when he used to take both of us in public to with our little secrets in ourselves the bittersweet ache of the love I had felt for the both of them. It was a perfect goodbye. An ending to my first chapter in my journey. It made me remember how much I longed for a Daddy still. To give Myself the ultimate gift of truly submitting myself to the one person who understood me and the needs I had in my own life. I will forever be grateful to my first daddy. For opening the door to the world I would grow to love and miss being in my life today.

It made me think of the professor. My second Daddy. The craziness of learning I was the one who was real. Who actually knew what I wanted and was brave enough to want it for myself. How in watching him, I came to understand that you cannot live your life in your own self pity. How much I had grown into wanting to be able to fully submit to someone when I was the one showing them how to submit to their own selves and their desires. How important it was and still is for me to learn the lesson of letting go and moving on. So that I would find myself and know what I could handle. What I didn’t want in my journey and what I was willing to accept and not. Out of respect for myself.

It made me think of the Wrestler. My last Daddy. The one who I think truly knew me. The one time I really fell. Into the beauty of what I yearned for. The way I wanted to be seen. My secret being the most beautiful thing about myself. The way that in my most true to self the proud little girl I had in me could come out to play. Somewhere where it was safe, celebrated. How for the first time in my life I felt I was beautiful because for the first time in my life I was real and didn’t have to hide who I was. He opened my eyes to see me and I loved the girl I was when I was with him. I still feel sometimes, the pull of yearning for this. I think, because of how true it was for me. For the first time I felt exactly where I was supposed to be with the kind of Daddy I had always wanted.

It made me think about my grandmother’s who taught me that submission to one’s self was beautiful that once you saw yourself for who you were and what you are capable of, the most powerful thing in life was unconditional love.

You know that scene in nymphomaniac when she meets her first Dom and he straps her down. She explains to Skarsgard that the more she relaxed the more she could release into herself. I have known that feeling. The sweet release of one’s whole self to submit and let go completely until you breathe like you haven’t breathed in air your entire life. The effervescent tingle of just letting all the emotion all the pain the hunger go. I know why it’s addicting. Because I too have felt it. In the sweet forehead kisses, in the “good Girl!” In the sweet embrace of pain and pleasure, in the enveloping sweep of comfort. This is where your physical submission exists. This is where you find grounding.

These past two years since my spiritual awakening, I’ve been finding vanilla ways to ground. For that sweet release of pressure. The pressures of your entire world on you. And I’m not going to lie they’re great. But they compare to nothing compared to that sweetpoint of submission when your entirety has given in. Your soul is aligned completely until you ascend.

I guess that’s what I miss the most. The intimate aligning of my soul. The sweet submission I give to be able to let go. It is the sweetest embrace of your existence to know you are exactly where you need to be and you know exactly what you need to let go of. So you can breathe, so you can open your eyes to the world around you. The reality of who you are inside and out and it’s beautiful. Because it’s who you are to the very core of you.

For littles, we need this because the truest part of ourselves is little. But the face we show to the world is the grown up girl. For many of us, we are Alpha Women. We don’t have packs, we are completely independent. We are consistent strong beautiful people who have the entire worlds pressure on our shoulders. We submit to our Daddy’s because we need it as much as they do. It’s not out of ego or for pleasure. It’s a perfect blend of control and submission for us. It gives us the ultimate chance to be who we are inside.

It made me think of the face I saw in my dream. The knowing that you were alone. That no one understood the need for Submission so that the loneliness of Dominance could be fulfilled. It made me really miss it. The Beauty of my own Sumbission. The beautiful crazy little world I need in my life and still hope to have in my life. The fulfillment of a need from a little to her Daddy and vice versa.

My world just seems unfinished without you in it.

It’s another one of those nights like the many I’ve had this last year where I just can’t stop thinking about you. I’ve tried my best to move on to grow and fill my entire world with this and that and every time I get closer to where I want to be, the one factor that breaks my world apart every time is how much I miss having you in it.

The journey we had here in this realm would marvel the kind of love you see out there. Jealous of the pure sunshine it had always been between us. Not having you in this journey with me is like losing that light I loved about myself. That pure unadulterated love I got got to show of myself and who I was in your presence. And without you in it, it just doesn’t shine like it did.

The journey we have in the quiet, that place you and I always seem to meet up where our souls long for each other has always and still haunts me. Between the feeling of your soul crushingly aching for mine or the realms in between slumber that I meet you in. You’re never too far but always too far to be in my arms. In my energy. And when I meet you in these places, these quiet but intense dreams and realms we keep finding each other, it’s like our bond gets closer and yearns for each other but our physical selves find themselves further and further away. But this stranger we are to each other always finds it’s way back into each other like a flame that never wants to draw itself apart. And dissipate itself into the emptiness and darkness of nothing.

I think about you and my heart aches and my tears fall deep in my throat holding back the words I love you. But in my dreams and so many times in our lifetime together I see the ache in your eyes that haunt me wanting to reach out and never let me go… it’s like this infinity of coming back together and falling away from each other that never ends. I come closer and you step back. Or you come closer and I have to let go.

Just once. I wish you’d remember the ease it was to be in each other’s energy. How the world went silent around us and it was just you and I in this secret little bubble neither of us could let go of and afraid of losing at the same time. the way no matter who was there or what was around us the magnetism we had for each other never changed.

I know, and trust me I have tried with the might of all that karma has put me through, to let you go and move on with my life. I’ve tried finding myself in the best of myself, the beauty that I am inside and out, the pure joy I want to bring out into this world and at the end of every day, every day, it always ends with I love you.

My whole year I’ve had to work through trauma, loss, growth, fear, joy and peace without you. I’ve had to work through my karmatic journey alone so I can grow and be the Devine being I know I am. That person you unleashed. The person you awakened that night where our soul song sang our tune as one. Every day there’s something I want to bring to you, an experience, an embrace I love and long for in us. And having been without it, it just seems like my light is dimmed. That there’s a shade over it because without the clarity you make me see in myself I can’t seem to shine as brightly as I do when im with you. but I know you have yet to see your light for yourself and I give you the distance and patience you need so that you may grow. So that you can be the bright shining Devine Being I see in you.

I compare my journey to seeing color for the first time. Like the dull illusion that is this reality is nothing compared to the brilliance it is when our souls come together. The frequency of color and light and sound and peace that resonates between the two of our souls that comes together so beautifully that it confuses the outside of our little sanctuary. I’ve only felt this with you.

I’ve seen color. I’ve seen what my light is with other souls even the ones we have created ourselves and it’s just not the same. It’s great, don’t get me wrong but it’s not Devine. It has this other brilliance that shines in my heart in a whole different frequency. As equally powerful in a whole different way and when you bring that in with the entirety of what you and I have together, it becomes this myriad of color and light that no one could describe but everyone can feel.

Love. Pure unconditional love, is what these frequencies are. Real love. Not that drama, selfish, empty thing that the world tries to create. This is the brilliance we have when our souls are united. Even in the anger or frustration or heartache, it still outshines and resonates between us. And that is what I can’t let go of.

I have suffered so much loss in the years we’ve been in each other’s lives. Remember, when I first met you I had lost the love that helped me shine in the first place. And then you showed up and let me just shine through those darkest times. And I grew. Into the beautiful light I am. Because I had the confidence and love in myself to be vulnerable enough to show it to you. I was the best of myself in your presence. And that’s what made our love grow.

And this last year, I suffered loss again. Over and over and over again. That girl who fills my maternal heart up to a place it longs to exceed in, the love of a soulmate entwined in the legacy of each other, and you.

And without you, I’ve had to learn how to be strong again. But it’s at a loss. Because if I’m honest with myself, it just doesn’t shine as bright without you just being there.

I wait for you in the silence sometimes. And then sometimes when I least expect it, I feel you already there waiting for me too. This is something I’ve also never had with anyone else but you. It’s as real to me as the touch of your arms around me never letting go or the warmth that fills me up when I see you look at me.

I miss you. More than you deserve. More than I will ever admit out loud. More than every minute we have had together and now apart. And as I ache for you to return to me, I miss you harder.

Every day I fight myself and remind myself not to tell you. Because you need this time to grow. But God every day the only thing I ever want to tell you. Every single day. Is that I love you.

It’s been four years… and some days, I still miss the touch of your soul.

It’s been four years. Four years since I had to let you go. But really I don’t think I ever did. Because it’s also been four years since we found something that I never thought I’d be able to find again in a person. Truly, the unconditional connection you find in someone who calls to your soul.

It was heartbreaking when I finally said goodbye. That last time that you held me after we made real love for the last and final time. I still think about that day. When you held me and didn’t let go and you just stood there in my room unable to say goodbye. This aching we had for each other that neither of us could ever explain. You told me you’d let me go. That you’d release me. But I guess we both know that words aren’t like our actions. Because even in those four years we still had each other. It was never really goodbye but I’ll see you soon.

I remember that first date I had after you. It was one of those guys who just knew I was some sort of special when you introduced me to him. He tried his best just to be a friend and let me ease into it. To this day he still defends me and refuses to give you the time of day because he knows you lost me. Because your ego decided that the more exciting option was better than the one who truly loved you. I think what was worst because he knew without a doubt (and still does as hard as he tries) that in my heart, I’ve already always belonged to you. He still checks in every once in a while to see if that’s changed or not. But I think he knows it never will.

What about that time I got excited again that I might finally have a daddy. Do you remember me telling you how much you would have liked him when you helped me pick out my dresses? You were always good at letting me know what looked good on me. Who knew that a year later he’d break my heart even further than I ever would have expected. You were there for me then too. There I was in Florida crying my soul out to you and all you said was. “That I was one of the best girls how could he break my heart like that when I didn’t do anything wrong.” You even offered to fly me home and checked in on me all week just to make sure I was ok.

How many times did we giggle together when we found fakes and laughed at them together. Our endless journeys of trying to find the right fit but knowing full well no one would have matched the kind of fun we used to have. Or the hours and hours of reminiscing about all our good times we had forgetting that we even had any bad times at all. How many hours you could get me on the phone and just be me and relax as we teased each other about what we liked and didn’t like or how much we hate this vanilla world. Or at least if we’re meant to be in this vanilla world we hoped we would find someone like each other to enjoy it with.

I remember telling you the first time I caught feelings again for another person. It was like the first time I had been touched enough to feel another soul in my presence since you. But he was too vanilla and I didn’t have the heart to train him so there wasn’t much luck. But you still told me to keep an open mind. And we both marveled that I could finally feel something for another when we had so much between us. But like all things that had ended and there I was back to square one. And all you could tell me was that he missed a chance of a lifetime.

I remember you calling me to tell me you had moved. But that you hated it. That you hadn’t been that unhappy for such a long time. But we were both glad I finally settled into my own place. And we laughed at how much we had grown up over the years. Having to be adults and do hard things. I told you how happy I was that I finally got to have my own home after so long and that it would always be a safe space. And you told me you always knew I was going to be fine and how happy you were for me. You even let me know that even though green wasn’t your color of choice, that it made sense I would pick it because you knew I loved tinkerbell. And then we giggled at how much you remembered the little parts of me.

Years went by where we weren’t together but we were never apart. You were there to make me smile every time I had my heart broken. We sat there telling each other about our lives like two people who could just relax in each other’s presence. You shared with me the quirks of your daughter who I missed so much and all you ever could say afterwards was she missed me so much too. That you both did. And then we’d joke about me coming up there and rescuing you. These are the times I miss the most.

When you called me up that frozen February day to tell me you were done finally and that you wanted me to come say hi once in a while I couldn’t wait to see you guys. I told you of course I would be there to help you get out of your funk that I’d be there for you the way you always are for me. But that I wouldn’t let you charm your way back into my life because I had done so much growing these last few years. There I was standing at your door nervous because I knew I had to lock my heart up because it wouldn’t be able to take being broken again by you. You let me greet that beautiful girl who’s growing up to be such a beautiful woman first before you’d greet me. She and I just stood there holding each other you looking at us like we were crazy. I will never forget the unconditional love I felt that day when we met or that day when she was back in my arms. I loved her then and I still do now.

I love that we ganged up on you like you knew we would teasing you that you had grown so grumpy. And just needed to chillax. And let us have fun. And then you and I went out together to catch up and tell each other what was happening in our lives.

There we were in that grocery store. Something so innocent and regular but we were like kids exploring a new adventure. Me pushing the cart while you shopped and did big stuff while I followed like your own little pet. You told me about stuff you couldn’t live without and made suggestions about what tasted great and new tips and tricks you had learned cooking. We searched through an endless isle of light bulbs looking for the perfect one. And you stepped so close to me I thought you could hear my heart racing. This endless ache I’ve always had for you and this moment with just the two of us, our pure souls coming out to play. I broke the tension by knocking you off the cart that was my job. To listen while you led. And doing so in my teasing bratty nature you stopped me. Pulled my hair in the middle of that isle just like that first time you kissed me and ignited this hunger between us. The most natural insatiable feeling we always seemed to love about each other. That no matter what hurt or time or distance between us, there was never any doubt about the fire we had when we came together. It was us again. Like we never missed a beat. It wasn’t until we got back home when I started realizing how much I missed this. There we were in your car. Just like the endless hours we spent in our lifetime together in your car talking and teasing and just being silly together. My little side coming out to tease you that how could you buy two bottles of water and not share one with me as I was freezing my ass off. I begged you to let me come inside where it was warm because I swear to god my breasts were about to freeze off. And you teasingly went to grab them to warm them up and I brushed your hand aside challenging you. That you weren’t my daddy anymore it wasn’t yours to play with.

Maybe that’s what sparked it. Because next thing I know we’re in your room ripping clothes off each other this tension of hurt and yearning and wanting each other like we would die if we hadn’t tasted each other again. The strength of your kisses searing into me my hands blazing through your skin like fire. This undeniable connection of passion we always had for each other. It was still there. It ached so deep inside my soul I started crying like I am right now. Having to remember that you once broke me. That you chose to let me go. That you didn’t come back for me because you realized how much of a mistake you made in losing me. I couldn’t go on. I wanted you. I knew you wanted me too and I just kept crying because I knew you could break me again. And I was so scared that you’d do it again. There I was crying these deep anguishing tears falling down my face in the years of abandon we created from each other feeling guilty that I still loved who I was when I am with you. That it was my favorite part of me and I couldn’t let it out because only you bring it out in me. And that I couldn’t lose her again. I just sat there crying. My heart breaking little by little at the love we have always shared between us that we both deny each other. You just held me saying you were so sorry. That you begged for forgiveness for not realizing how much you had lost.

I was so mad at you. How could you deny me the only love I ever asked for. For that pure honest love we both share for each other. The kind that time doesn’t exist for. The love I share for your daughter who has to grow up by herself because I wasn’t able to be there to show her just how beautiful she is. The love between us that healed our hurt whenever we were together. I was mad at myself. I had grown from this. I was letting my ancestors down the women who raised me to be strong. And I had become so much stronger since you. The emotions of love lost overwhelmed me. I couldn’t even speak. I just cried and cried because I knew there was no denying it. I loved you. I love you still. My soul calls your name in my every waking moment and I heard it from yours too. I heard you beg for my forgiveness as we stood in that shower together to wash away my tears and calm me down. While you held me and just let me cry into your arms. No words were spoken out loud. Our souls had a whole conversation as loud as as if we were talking my heart telling you I still loved you and that I forgave you. Your own tears matching mine when I finally said it out loud. Because we both knew we loved each other. That for the first time this was the love one soul finds in another and we both had it together. I felt your skin melt into mine as I held you because as my fingers ran down your body when my heart told you I loved you, you replied how much you loved me back. And we just stood there. Holding each other. Our physical bodies even in the failing heat of the shower just engrossed into each other. Like it wasn’t even there. It was just you and I in our moment of pure unconditional love.

When we finally got out we were spent. I laid there on your side of the bed. Broken because I didn’t want to spend another minute of my life without you. Yearning for what we have and allowing myself to want it with every inch of my soul. Contemplating to myself with my back towards you on how I should deny myself because I knew you. I knew our past our hurt and the love we had for each other. But I didn’t want to waste another minute not being with you so I turned around to hold you it was like you could hear my heart calling for you because there it was between us, this longing to be wrapped up in each other. The flow of our bodies becoming one like we always had been. Where you didn’t know where I began and you ended. This carnal and raging spark between us that only grew into this bright starlight we were creating within us. We were in the type of harmony within ourselves that sang this beautiful melody with our bodies this song of love and fire we have between our two souls. And that’s when I heard the words twin flames. Yours and mine who are always calling to each other. After we were now physically spent we just held each other the rest of the night. You holding me tight to your body like you were afraid you’d break me but that if you let go you wouldn’t survive. Me holding you back assuring you I wasn’t going anywhere and that we could finally rest. Within each other. That we didn’t have to hurt anymore. That we would endure this soul song we had for each other together. Never again to steal ourselves away from one another.

The next morning, I woke up to calls from my best Friends, my mom, my cousin freaking out that they hadn’t heard from me since I had told them I was coming to see you guys. I could feel your gaze watching me as I would tell them that I had just had the most excruciating and beautiful night with you. Where our souls emerged into each other like it had always done but this time I was awake and saw just how beautiful it was. Assuring them that you had apologized and really meant it when you said you were so sorry you ever hurt me. I turned to see if you were sleeping you faking your slumber knowing full well I was going to tell my whole world. I snuck away to the bathroom trying to wrap my head around what had just happened between us. This intensity we had always had but never awoken together. I was in pure bliss. That you and I would never again choose to be apart. Because I heard it with my soul for the first time between the both of us. Not just myself.

You had to get ready for your show so I let you in while in the darkness of the bathroom then your friend came so that you both could get your stuff ready. And I stood there happy in my little space filled again with your love and your daughters love. This sweet fulfilling love I had missed so much. I helped you fix your bed and you gave me head pats like how you used to when you told me I was a good girl.

Then you left and I was there alone with your daughter. Cleaning your kitchen because I was nervous about if things had changed between us. She and I were there just talking about how much we had missed out of in our lives. How much she had grown. How much she missed you. Her favorite person who had become a shell of you since we parted. How much she missed a stable female in her life who she didn’t have to impress because the love for each other was already permanently etched into our hearts and would never change. I held her and told her I would always be there for her whether you and I were or not. Because I love her outside of you. The bond we have is so special. A girl who wanted the love of a mother. A mother who wanted to give it but had no child. This is our love for each other.

When you came back it seemed as if something had changed. Like you had forgotten what we just had between us. I heard in my heart that you were going to run away. And it broke me inside trying to figure out what had happened between then and now. It was like your ego woke you up and told you it wasn’t enough. So I gave you your space. I know how hard it was for me to have gone through what we had gone through so I gave you your time to contemplate.

When I was finally leaving you just held me tight taking longer than usual to say goodbye but also cold. Like you knew something but would deny it. So I just said goodbye. No promises were made. No explainations. I didn’t want to crowd you. I didn’t want to manipulate you into feeling something if you didn’t. It was like a light switch was turned the other way. You still held me tight. You kissed my forehead softly as you said goodbye. Making sure I would let you know when I got home from my two hour drive back.

It took you a few days to work up the courage to talk to me. By that point I was already hurting. Feeling stupid for letting this happen to me again. That I let you back into my life knowingly that you could hurt me again. I had made up so many scenarios in my head that I couldn’t imagine which was worse. That you didn’t love me. That my head made it all up, that what I felt that night wasn’t as real as these words I’m writing this very moment. When I finally got fed up and called you to ask why you had become cold towards me all you said was I cried. That I cried and you didn’t know what to do. Like we hadn’t spent this beautiful soul wrenching night wrapped up in each other’s inner selves. It broke me. How did we not have this together. You and I were right there experiencing this together. There was no way that your body would react to mine the way it did unless we had this experience together. It was like you had woken my soul but denied your own soul to awaken and chose your ego instead. It broke my heart that the love we pleaded for one another was crushed in that moment.

A week later your daughter called me out of the blue and wanted to hang out. I was glad to do so. I had already missed her so much and couldn’t wait to spend some time with her. She told me it was ok with you that I came over so I took that as you were ok with seeing me too. I should have known better and called you personally to ask before I showed up to your door. You were so mad at her. But really I think it was more that you were upset because I had caught you in a bad situation that you wanted to keep from me. We weren’t together. No promises were made. You had already denied my love over and over again. I was just there because I wanted to spend time with your daughter because she asked me to. I introduced myself to your guest anyway. I’m just your old friend. She was embarrassed but was sweet about it anyway. It did hurt me. It made me feel stupid for letting you charm your way back into my life like I had told myself I wouldn’t do again. But I wasn’t going to let her or your daughter feel that way. I’m not that kind of person though I could have been and made you regret ever hurting me and causing a scene. You told me to stay while you took your guest home. Your daughter and I talked. She missed her dad. She apologized over and over again for embarrassing me. But was so glad I was there. It hurt me having to hold back my tears. Because I needed to be there for her. She needed me. Even though you told me to stay. it was like I was so unwelcomed in your life all over again.

When you came back all hell broke loose. You both were upset at each other. Her trying to explain to you she called me because she needed me. Because you wouldn’t listen to her. You telling her how selfish she is and pissed off that she would pull this act. I kept telling you it was ok. That there was no bad blood between us. That I enjoyed my time with her because to be honest I did. She told me every thing she had held in her heart while you were gone.

She locked herself in her room and it was just you and I again. You didn’t have the balls to look at me. Which broke my heart. Because I knew you had only just realized how stupid this entire thing was. That you weren’t even mad at her but yourself. Because you knew what you were doing wasn’t just hurting her it was hurting you too. I told you the hard truth. She was losing the love for her dad. Her hero. And you were missing out on the beautiful girl she had grown to be. It hurts me still that you are both still hurting this way. All she has is you. All you truly have in this crazy world we live in is her. And both of you are so distant from another that you’ve lost yourselves in your sorrow. She gets that from you. She only knows how to go inside of herself to suppress her sadness and turns it into frustration because she’s scared you don’t love her anymore. That you’d rather just live your own life separate from her because that’s what your actions have proven to her lately. That breaks my heart. That you two are so distant from each other now. She’s no longer her dads biggest fan and it hurts me to see you both go through this.

It was time for me to go. All was said that needed to be said. I had been spent emotionally having been embarrassed myself for being dumb and coming anyway. You still insisted to walk me to my car. I made you promise me that you’d spend some time with her outside of your home. So that you could rekindle the bond between you two. That you wouldn’t waste more time before she stopped loving you at all. You said you would promise and that you were glad I came out anyway.

But as I gave you your hug goodbye, you wouldn’t let go of me. You just held on. Broken. I tried to hold back my tears knowing you were beating yourself up for putting me in this situation. You kept staring into my eyes making me turn my face from the hurt I had already endured. I kept telling you I had to leave. But you wouldn’t let go. You held me like you knew it would be the last time you’d ever hold me in your arms again. And I think I broke inside because we both knew you meant it. Because you knew this really would be the last time you’d hold me. You took me back inside scared that you wasted too much time. Told me you wanted me and I couldn’t help myself. I will Always want you. It hurts I think the most because I know this is who I am. That I will never stop wanting you. But you only ever showed me you wanted me back when you were being real with yourself. When you were present in you and your own feelings. Real feelings. Then you second guess yourself and let your ego take over because you’ve lost your own identity within yourself. God I wish you knew how loved and special we see you. That you’d allow yourself to be loved back. That you’d allow your ego to step aside and give yourself the chance to accept your love and allow yourself to love someone back. This is how I love you.

I just see you. I don’t pay attention to the gimmick or the gross overmasculine alpha dog side that you play at to feel like you’re worthy. You already are. I see you in the way you look at what you have in your life and you make the best of it. The way you only allow yourself to rest when you are safe. How hard you work and sacrifice your personal feelings to make sure everything else is taken care of. I love the way you truly love. The way you’d give your shirt off your back to your guys because they are the only comfort you have but also because you make an effort to be in their lives even if they don’t really know the other side of you. The side they don’t see who’s kind and generous, who’s moral and strong. Who doesn’t take shit from anyone because you’re busting your ass the only way you know how. But who also knows sometimes people are just who they are and it’s ok. I love when you are honest with yourself and joy actually comes out of you. This is the person I met five years ago who I fell in love with in the first place. The guy who’s kind of a closet nerd but also adventurous and loyal. The guy who’s brave enough to stand up to the bad people out there and not give a shit because he believes in the right things. I love him. The real you. The one you hide.

So much has happened to me these past few months apart from you again. Throughout the spring, I told you I loved you still. I was brave and wrote it all down. Showed you my truth. Stood up for myself and chose to show my truth to you rather than stroke your ego. When I came that last day. The day I came to say goodbye I meant it with every part of my soul. I was broken. I couldn’t keep loving you if you wouldn’t love yourself. Even though it means I lose you and her. I came with the intention of asking you to choose love to choose happiness to choose letting go of the world and being abundant in our love. To choose me. I had spent the night before shaken to the core fighting with myself feeling this energy of love between us that I either had to fight for or let go of for good. To stand up for myself or accept defeat and say goodbye for good.

There I was. Trembling at how this was going to go down. A box of the cookies I used to make for you and your friends, in the dress you chose for me, beautifully dolled up making my stand. And there they were. The karma you chose. The energy in a long list of energies you keep choosing because it boosts your ego.

And all I had the courage to say was “I came to say goodbye” your daughter saw me ran out gave me a huge hug and asked me why I was saying goodbye. And all I could do was hold back my tears hold her tell her how sorry I was and tell her i loved her and said goodbye. You didn’t even flinch. How easy was it for you to hear me say these words. It took everything in me. And you just sat there. This person I loved but who wasn’t the same man I loved anymore. Closed off in the ego. There was nothing in you. Just emptiness. I left and cried all the way home. Knowing I would never see you again. Broken again from my own doing.

It’s been almost half a year now. the longest I think I’ve gone silent to you since we met almost 6 years ago. There’s so much every day that I want to just call you up to tell you about what’s happened to me. Would you know that you sparked my spiritual awakening that night our souls sang to each other. Only to find out and confirm I truly do have a spiritual calling. Would you know that I almost died and the thought of dying without telling you I loved you again breaks me every day. Would you know that I sought out ego made a mistake and it became my own little miracle. Something you always told me to hope for is finally happening to me. The only thing I have left to say is I feel you. Every day as I wake and every night before I sleep. I feel your energy miss mine. I miss you and what we had even if I choose me every day. And that there isn’t a day that goes by that something happened in my life that I wish I could tell you and I can’t. I feel you, I see you in my dreams broken and calling to me. I cry sometimes missing you and the friendship we had. I love you. Every day. And most days, I miss the touch of your soul.

Saying goodbye to the Wrestler

First of all, I’d like to dedicate this post to Kipp Rude. You will never be forgotten. You showed me the kind of daddy/ little relationship I always wanted. And even though you broke things off with me, I’ll always appreciate you being there for me.

So yeah, the big recent news. The wrestler broke things off with me. And after our goodbye sexcipade, I totally have finally found an understanding with him that I’m probably overthinking because I was high as hell, but also because it was probably the MOST intimate and intense experience I have ever had with a Daddy. Especially a Daddy I loved. And loved being with.

The day I got the message that he wanted to end things with me, I was devastated. After months and months of being together and wanting him sooo bad to want me, he realized that what both of us wanted wasn’t the same. And it hurt a lot to know that I wanted more, I always had, I wanted to keep him because he is the only person who’s ever been able to figure me out from the inside out and be totally okay with me being me. But the truth is, he didn’t want the commitment of being the one owning me. It makes sense in a way about him and who he is. And I didn’t get that until last night. It became all clear to me that he IS and will never be different from who he naturally is and it’s ok. And it’s ok that at least I got to enjoy this epic experience with him. And for that I will always be grateful. I will always love him in the simple ways and in the tough ways that I felt for him. But the truth is, someone who doesn’t intend on keeping you forever, will never stick around and when they say that from the beginning and actually mean it, you gotta be ok with that. Because you consciously decide that that’s fine with you and you go along hoping just to enjoy the moment you have with them. That was exactly how our relationship was. He didn’t want me to get too attached which I did, but I made the conscious decision to pursue it even though it was never offered to me. And that’s my fault. He warned me, I wanted it. I wanted to be the girl he thought about. And I’m sure he will always think of me fondly. But I’m not the girl he’ll end up with. Because he doesn’t want to end up with any girl. And I can’t force him to want to. And I won’t. Because I know my value. And so does he. So it’s ok that we broke up. I’ll always love him. I hope he’ll always have a piece of me in his heart.

So, of course, being the whore that I am and wanting sooo bad to feel his touch I had him over. And even though it was not the greatest choice given the circumstances of my emotional vulnerability, I’m glad he came over. I’m glad I got to tease him about no longer being the owner of my body as he tortured my body trying to take back what was his. I’m glad his beast showed up and growled into my soul as our bodies ravaged each other for what I hope isn’t the last time, whether I have a relationship with him or not, I can’t deny that we have an intense sexual chemistry. One that seems to be insatiable to either of us. I have ALWAYS yearned for that hungry hatefuck. That, I’m going to destroy you because I know you need it fuck. And that’s what happened. I went sooooo deep into my subhigh that my subdrop was just as intense. When he came inside me, it felt like I had finally earned what I had yearned for for so long. That piece of him that I wanted so bad. His essence. The one thing that only he could give me. I had always wanted his cum any way I could get it because let’s face it. I’m a cum whore. And cum has such a special meaning to me in the submissive headspace I have for it. And last night, though it seemed like the last time I would receive it, felt like the first time I ever earned it. And for that I am grateful. Ripping our bodies on each other with every thrust he put inside me and every kiss I stole, every inch I taunted of his body was mine. Because I took it. Because I wanted it and I took it. And in return he did the same, he took my body. Fucked my brains out and still held me when I regressed. And this is the first time I have ever regressed this far into my little self. I cried heaving breaths of pure torture. I curled up in the fetal position trying to grasp onto this thing I’ve bottled up for so long and I needed to let it go. And I did. I got hatefucked. The one I always needed. The one that would restore my fairy light. Because I had been dying for so long. The one where I cried and let go of all my safety and found the air I needed in my soul. He gave that to me. And I have needed it for so long. So thank you. In letting go of me because you know it’s not good for me to string me along when it’s not what you want, you still kept your promise to me that you weren’t going to hurt me and leave me destroyed. I thought you were going to, I thought great “he’s gonna fuck me silly till I’m in the deepest darkest hole of my soul, then leave me because he wants to have nothing to do with me.” Now that I have had to look at it from the big girl picture of it, I’m glad he did it this way. I don’t even know if this is how he intended to do so, but I know for me, this experience built me rather than put me down. I don’t even know how he did it. Or even if he wanted to. But he did so regardless. And it really made me understand him and his point of view so much more clearly.

We always joked that James Deen a renoun porn star we both admire is his spirit animal. And for the first time ever, I grasped the epic gimmick that Kipp Rude is. And further more, having seen it from my perspective like this, gives me the sweetest most innocent dork moment of joy. Kipp rude to me, is the disciple of James Deen. In my happy little space, this is how I see him and it will always look like this to me now, because for the first time looking at it like this, I saw my daddy for who he is for the first time, and it was a great way for us to end our relationship. Kipp Rude is a nefarious whoremaster in training. His idol is James Deen known for his ways in dealing with little brats who trains them to be his good little whores. And this is exactly who Kipp Rude is. So yeah I’ll always be able to say, Kipp Rude is one of my favorite Daddies. Because he showed me him. And I got to have it. I got to taste and feel and touch it. And I got to be what every little thrives to be. She wants to be his good little girl and she wants even more to be his good little whore. And for the first time I finally got to be. And I’m really really glad I got to experience that with someone. So thank you again. For showing me the Daddy part of you I loved so much. For giving me something I truly always wanted to experience, and being the one I got to experience it with.

Saying goodbye doesn’t hurt as much knowing that for just a moment, I got to allow myself to be the best little girl I could be. That makes me happy. And it really makes me happy that you helped turn back on my fairy light. Because my wings were drooping and I was running out of faith trust and pixie dust. You, most likely not knowing you did so, gave that back to me. It will give me high hopes that my next daddy will have huge experiences to live up to that only you gave me.

Thank you for being my Daddy. And thank you also for releasing me. So that I could move on. Because even though I’m a brat and I wanted you, I also know you wanted the best for me and you knew that wasn’t going to be you. I’ll miss you. I hope it won’t be the last time I get to enjoy your energy. And I hope that even if it was just for a moment, I got to make you happy. Because you really did that for me. And I will always be grateful. Thank you for giving me safe place hugs, for giving me an opportunity to be a part of your time and energy, for all the fun and exciting experiences you gave me, for allowing me to be me and loving me through it, for showing me that I am special in my own way and not just the basic bitch we giggle about with our random hits. Thank you for showing me who you were. And that i could have faith in men because there are good guys like you out there who just want to give a girl some support and a good time. Without trying to hurt us. Those were the words you gave me the first time I felt feelings for you. That you just wanted to give me great experiences and be the first to show them to me. That you wanted to enjoy it together and that it was perfect to be just me. You’ll always be one of my favorite Daddies because now I see that this is what you wanted all along. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize. You showed me so much more in the six months we spent together that I have felt in so long. You’ve given me experiences I will always look back on with a naughty grin on my face. You made me feel beautiful even though we both know I’m a plain Jane. And you made me know that I was perfect just the way I am.

I’ll miss you and I’ll never forget you. And I will always remember us this way. Not all the fights we had or the hurt I caused myself for thinking this was much more than it was. You still stayed true to yourself and to me. Even when I put you through hell for it. And I’ll love you for that for forever.

Toxicity

Almost two years ago now, I made the decision to leave Texas to come home to care for my grandma. A few days ago, I had a dream about her seeing her funeral process all over again but she was attending her own funeral. She sat there, laid her hand in mine and cried. I shook me to wake up and think about why that dream hit me so hard. The honest truth was, I came home to care for her. Now that she’s gone, I have nothing holding me back from leaving this god forsaken place. Except of course, being a person who literally works hand to mouth trying to pay her dues to this world. And I do. I love my job it helps people who can’t help themselves, but damn does it not pay enough to get my own place. Somewhere I can go home to that is safe and HOME. I realized this year that home really is the people and the environment that encourages and loves you. And this year that place has only been my brothers home or work. The place I live in, is like a cancer that spreads until it literally starves your soul and takes all your good. It’s no wonder I’ve lost my spark. This place has eaten me up and put me in this deep dark toxic hell. Like HOME, Toxicity can also be spread about by those who breed in it. And in this case, it’s my mothers husband and my mother herself.

For 29 years my mother and I have NEVER gotten along. We didn’t get along when I was force fed as a young child because I wasn’t eating enough for her contentment till I threw up and was physically admonished for throwing up food I didn’t want to begin with. We never got along during my school age years when I was literally afraid of her physical beatings of me when I couldn’t read a word from a dumb children’s book (for which I will NEVER expose the little train who could to my child because I have literal ptsd from those pages.) we never got along after her divorce to my father because I had to grow up and literally be enslaved to take care of her and my brothers. We never got along during my early teen years when I was so afraid of being home I made any excuse to stay at the church longer or spend more time at school because at 12-16 I was raising four children on my own and beaten if it wasn’t done properly. We never got along in my late teens when I was going through my depression years and I was bulimic. And used to cut myself to breathe because if she had a bipolar occurrence it meant my head would be smashed on the bathroom tub or my brothers would have been smacked so hard that wooden spoons and leather belts would break and tear on their skins. And as a young adult, when her sexual antics took over her, I’d be the one to pick up the pieces driving her drunk from one party to home because she had to make her next sobriety test or her children would be taken away from her. We never got along when I got married and my husband had to throw her out of our home because she broke in trying to start drama. And we never got along when she tried to sell my brother to a mail order bride scheme as a middle adult. And now, as I closely turn 30 you would think that things would have changed. That people can change for the better. But the honest truth is this, you don’t change unless you learn from your mistakes and try to not do the things that ruined your life to begin with. And she hasn’t. She’s still with some random man who treats her and her kids like they’re worthless, and she’s still that selfish conniving person who hasn’t grown up to realize that her mistakes are why her children hate being in her presence.

Did I fail to mention that she always has to play the victim? Especially now that her kids are grown and can think for themselves.

“Why dont my kids want to spend time with me?” “Why can’t I spend time with my grandchildren by myself” “why do my children hate the men I bring into my life” well honestly because after 51 years, you’re still the person who terrorized and showed your kids no love but manipulation and verbal abuse.

She’s a toxic person. I have tried for years to forgive and let go of the things that she did to me as a child. I have grown so much from the hurt and pain I suffered trying to find my way out of her life. I have literally killed my inner self to try to compensate years of hell to get along with her these past year or two. And I can’t keep doing this. I literally mentally and emotionally cannot keep doing this. My every day coming to this house is dread. The energy is dread and hell and toxicity. There is no love in this hell hope they call a house. It’s four walls filled with negative energy.

Sadly I thought I learned my lesson in bringing her back into my life when I came home. I had hoped that after a decade, we could have finally had this breakthrough where we could have some sort of relationship. But who am I kidding? Toxic people thrive in their own toxicity. They love choking in their own drama. They feed off of it. Why do you think they always fall prey to their decisions in life? Because they love being wallowed in it.

Every day since December 6th of last year, I’ve regretted coming home. Every day I dread driving up to this house knowing that the moment I walk in, I’m on eggshells and about to trigger someone’s need for hate and drama. I can’t breathe here, I still try to find any moment to be away from this place. And then I find myself all over again, that little girl who would rather die than go home because it meant she’d have to live another day in that hell hole.

She’s stronger now, but she hurts all the same. She’ll stand up for herself even though she knows no one is listening because they’re screaming in her face. Because even if she’s actually making sense she’ll still turn out to be the bad guy because the people who are indeed toxic don’t realize that they are. Or do they? Do they just love it so much that they do it on purpose? Are they soooo addicted to their selfishness that no matter what you do they will try to grab you by the throat just to try to fill you with their disgustingness?

I am so exhausted of this. I literally cannot wait for the moment I can cut them out of my life for good. And never look back because I know that even though you love them, doing so is toxic to your soul. And that’s not something I’m willing to poison. This is one thing I do know for sure though, my children will never spend a moment alone with them. I will never stop trying to work on myself so I don’t turn out like her. And as soon as I can, I will cut them out of my life for good. Because not doing so has worse consequences than keeping their poisonous toxicity in my life.

I just love this :) fifty rules for Daddies about Their little girls

I posted this five years ago and it’s still relevant today

Faith Trust and Pixie Dust

1. Attention give it to her daily, even a quick thinking of you
2. Be her first, regardless of how experienced she is be her first in some positive way
3. Commit – poly or not if you’re her Daddy be her Daddy and see it as an honor and responsibility
4. Discipline her when necessary, not too much but not too lazy
5. Enjoy her silly, funny, or cute side she may grow out of it or you may miss it
6. Finger her the way only you can
7. Give her a reason for (or avoid) rules that confuse her.(very important)
8. Grab her suddenly for a passionate kiss often
9. Help her accomplish things important to her
10. Hold her tight as much as you can
11. Imagine your life without her, if it makes you hurt, sad, or angry then don’t take her for granted.
12…

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Dear Wrestler

My dearest Wrestler,

It’s 6:30 in the morning on this blustery cold morning, and I can’t keep my eyes shut even if my body is exhausted from the craziness that is my world. I’m not really sure why I’m writing in this forum but I guess I’ve never been great at saying things out loud. I’m much more centered in the words I don’t say out loud. Like you, my words out loud find themselves taciturn. But get me writing a letter and I seem to never shut up.

I guess I’ll get to the point since I’m not really sure how this will turn out. You’ve always told me to communicate my feelings and give you honesty. Even if it was brutal. Well here goes.

I think I’m falling for you. I think I’ve known it for a long time now. The first few weeks we had together you told me not to get my hopes up. That you weren’t looking for something serious. But to have a chance to enjoy and experience new things with a person. And I was lucky enough that these past few months you’ve chosen me to spend that time with. Some days I think to myself, it’s been months, why does it feel this way and I burrow myself into this insecure little bubble of “why.” Because I know you warned me not to. But I did anyway. I fell for you hard! The moment I met your daughter and got to see the real you, I knew I had lost the battle. And it scares me, because I know it’s not what you really want.

You thrive in your freedom. It makes sense. Your Gemini soul seeks to find that freedom, no matter the consequences of the Aries heart I have. And honestly, most days our energies mesh so well together that I find my yin in your yang. You get me. In ways you don’t even realize but I do and I appreciate it so much. You never seek to hurt me but you shy away from wanting me too much so you just don’t. You keep your distance at bay because deep down you don’t want a relationship.

And I think that’s my problem. When I met you I didn’t want a relationship. I told you that straight up because I was in a bad place in my heart. I was walled up and shut down because I was soooo used to disappointment. But these past few months you’ve shown me that there are good men out there who don’t seek to hurt me. You’ve given me joy in the little things like cuddles and safe place hugs which secure my heart and give me strength. But at the same time, I find myself insecure because I know it doesn’t matter how much I love you. You won’t return the feelings. And it’s not like you don’t show them. You do and I wonder if you even realize it. I mean, do you realize it?

What sane man brings a woman into his life and introduces you to basically his entire life, and not expect her to fall for him? I never thought you’d ever let me meet your sweet girl. Yet you did, and her spunkiness literally makes me squeal in delight. I know she drives you nuts but honestly, she’s this precious gem of a person and I wouldn’t change the effervescent heart she has. She’s lit up my life with her adorable quirkiness even if I haven’t been able to spend as much time as I want with her, i still hope to steal her away and just enjoy her amazing sweet energy. Watching you with her though… makes my ovaries cry. Because I’m at an age where that happens when I see a great man step up to be an amazing father and you’ve done such an amazing job with her. It’s like my womanhood yearns for that in this crazy hormonal “I want that in my life” moment. I love watching it from a distance. Watching you love her and care for her as a great father gives me faith in men I had lost in so many men of my past.

Hilariously, I guess that’s why I have Daddy issues. And that’s another reason why you’re so wonderful. Because you accept my quirks. And you don’t make me feel horrible for being me. You accept that I have a need to be genuinely myself and I don’t have to be anything but the crazy plain Jane I am. Though you’re constantly boosting my ego and telling me I’m really not a plain Jane. Well you’re blind hahaha because I am 😜. But that’s ok. Because I love being the girl who catches your eye. I love the way you look at me when your eyes tell me I’m yours. You’ve looked at me like that in front of your friends, in front of the girl we enjoyed, and even in random public that we’ve had even if it’s been short term. Because they tell me I belong to you. My body, my soul, my ever hopelessly romantic heart. I yearn to be that girl. The girl you sleep more comfortably with. The girl you think about on a long exhausting day just because you know she’s thinking about you.

I’ve begun to wonder how deep I can get myself into your world. Because I know in the end, you will fight me on it. You’ll push yourself away because I’ve become too attached and so I’ll shut down. I’ll run back to my hole of insecurities because what I want is not what has been offered. I can’t help but want it. I want all of it. I want the joy, the fear, the hurt, the rage, the love you have to offer. I know you’re not offering it mind you, but I want it. I want to be the girl who you can depend on being there because I want to be there for you. I’ve said that to you before, many times only to be shut down. Why do I keep coaxing you??? Because Daddy, I’m yours.

I’ve told you time and time again, if you don’t want it, step away. But you keep telling me just to be me and I do. Because being me is what you want. Unapologetically myself, seems to be okay for you. The only thing that is me that you don’t respond to is that I have a huge heart that wants to be shared with you. Even if you have this huge hole in yours that you refuse to fill.

Is it fear Daddy? Is it that you don’t want to fall for me like I have for you? Is it because people are messed up and hurt each other too much. I’m telling you, I’m not here to hurt you. I want to enrich your life and your world. I want to be the girl you’re proud of. And I want to be a part of your world though you try so hard to keep it shut out from me. I’m not saying let’s be together in a fake “we’re so happy look at us ooze in affection” sort of way because we both know, neither of us are really like that. Nor do we have the patience for that. But if there’s a day where you just want to be adored while playing your video games as I snuggle your head and doze off rubbing your shoulders, Handsome, I’m the girl who can give you that. And I’ll do it gladly because it means I can enjoy the time with you. Not doing anything but being in your company. If you want a witness to your rage mode because you can’t find your work boots and not want to look like a crazy person. I’m the girl who won’t judge you because I know how much it sucks to lose something dumb. (Been trying to find my mermaid slippers for a week… damn dog! 🤣) I’m tellin you Daddy. I’m a pretty good girl. Because I really want my Daddy. Not the idea of you, just you.

Recently, I’ve been feeling you pull away. The giggly girl inside me wants to say it’s because you low key love me and you’re in denial. But in all honesty, I’m not really sure where you’re at these days. You know I don’t respond really well to silence and so I’m confused. Because not using your words is not normal for you, though they be short and precise. Let me know how you are. I won’t judge. I might cry but I’ll get over it. And furthermore I won’t let you see me cry.

But here’s the catch. I don’t want to step in the way of you living your life. I don’t want to be a burden on your heart because it just doesn’t feel that way for me. I will simply let go and never bother you again should you feel that way. And leave happily knowing I got to spend the great few months I have with you. Because I love you. And I love your daughter. And I want to be a part of your lives even if you’re scared of it. I know I know, you’re not the same person you were five years ago. You don’t have that in you anymore. Well, I’m offering it anyway. Because I can. And I want to. If you don’t want to accept it, then it’s okay too. You don’t have anything to lose. I do. Not only will I have the potential to lose my Daddy who I am so falling for. But I lose my friend and I lose what chance I have at being a part of your life. So really, putting myself out there is a risk. But I’m taking that risk. Because you deserve honesty. And I deserve the right to tell you how I feel. So here it is. My cards are all on the table. Do what you will with it.

Love,

Your little girl

Sometimes you just need to cry ugly

Have you ever been in a situation where the past haunts you and you have to face it so you can move on? But in doing so, you hurt yourself all over again. It tears you apart, but you know you need it because it’s good for you to constantly be facing those demons head on so you can move forward. Parts of me is always yearning to go back and start all over again. Other parts of me are so glad things are over. A big part of me just needs a damn cry. A hard one where snot slides down your nose and you literally can’t catch your breath. But doing it lets you breathe. Let’s you feel the pain but also makes you so aware that “girl, you have been through hell and back over and over and over again. And you rose from it and it made you and still makes you into a stronger person every day.

I needed that today, hell I’ve been needing it for forever. A few months ago I was talking to my favorite kitty Selena, and she said “tell your daddy you need a reset spanking. One where it makes you cry so you can breathe.” And I did. I told the wrestler I needed a reset spanking. And I got a hell of a spanking. But it was only for temporary relief. Instead, not only did I get a very intense reset spanking, but I also had a really really horrible sub drop right afterwards that killed me. That lasted for days. And there was nothing I could do about it. The wrestler and I talked about it, really communicated my insecurities and his needs and my needs and I thought it was going to help me reset.

I’m empathic. I feel emotion on a whole other level. And though lots of times, that ability to feel so much emotion is usually good kind and loving emotions, other times they are dark feelings. Overwhelming feelings of hurt pain and defeat. Lately, these are my thoughts. I feel the negativity of what surrounds me more so these days than I feel the encouraging happy feelings. And it’s not anyone’s fault. (Yes my glittery cupcake friends don’t get all sassy because you’re ready to beat someone up, it’s not that…. although…. you could beat up some family members I could live without if you really do want to beat someone for the fun of it. Jkjk) it’s just this season I guess. This whole winter has been putting me in a dark place.

I’ve been spending a lot of time with the wrestler. From his wrestling matches to the random late nights we spend together, I would not ever want to take the time I have with him for granted. I know deep inside (even if he won’t admit it to himself) he does care and love me, that he’s been such a great part of my past few months. I do love him. There I said it. I love you Daddy. I haven’t found the courage to tell you out loud but I do. Because you accept me in so many ways that I never thought I could find in a person. You have been such a godsend to me this year. I’m not saying I’ll ever have the guts to tell you I love you to your face, but at least here, I’ll be able to say it out loud and not hear you gripe about it 😈😝. I know somewhere in your heart you do love me. And you hate it because it’s not a “you” thing. Most days he has to quiet the antsy giggly brat I am because he knows I’m completely attached and he is too afraid to let it happen. And we do talk about it. I tell him all the time.”be honest with me Daddy, that’s all I ask” and he reiterates that I am his little and he is my Daddy. And if that ever changes he will tell me. And honestly I am okay with that to a point I guess. Rationally, it makes sense. Neither of us are in a space mentally or emotionally to be able to give that much of ourselves to another person yet… there are days where I want to say anymore, but I’ll leave it at yet, because every day I pray it’s a yet and not a nope not happening. He gets me. He’s so damn patient with me it drives me nuts because I try so hard to get the beast out of him. What can I say I’m a brat. And I need my Daddy. Hell, I think there are days (yet again another thing he won’t admit) that he needs me as much as I do him. But it’s a young relationship and I don’t want to rush into anything anymore. He’s pretty special to me. And I am truly blessed to have been able to have him in my life.

Anyway…. back to crying ugly. A few weeks ago, a few months ago I guess is when it started, Ches checked in. I’m almost positive that he’s been keeping tabs on me and he’s either jealous that I am pretty happy now without him, or back to being the Ches I know who is lovesick for his own pity. I tried. For years I tried to tell him how much he was loved and that true love was his with no secret agendas to hurt him. When I finally looked at our relationship and how much I tried and it just wasn’t enough, I ended it. I could not keep that deep dark sadness of not being what was right there in front of him going. I gave him all of me. He didn’t want it enough to realize that all I wanted was him in return. And when he finally did, I no longer had enough in me to give him more. I deserve better than that. I still do. And I do want him to be happy. But it won’t be with me. And I’m over it. He needs to move on too. He randomly called me out of the blue the other day. Left a sad message telling me he was looking for me and then randomly hung up. And I was so sad. I told my Daddy that next time Daddy needs to pick up and tell him to never do it again. Because I know me. It will hurt me and I will not let that happen again. I deserve more than emptiness. Daddy told me I needed to block him from my life. So I did. Because he knows how much I need to have a supporter, someone who is stable and not there to hurt me. And adding Ches back into my life is letting someone who hurt me keep on hurting me. He didn’t know what he had when he had it. I begged him to realize it before it was too late. And he didn’t care enough to see that until it really was too late. But I won’t go there again.

Another thing that happened to me recently is finding long lost love letters from my ex husband when he was in boot camp. I was searching for past tax forms and I found his old letters. The only one I couldn’t find was the first one he sent me that he told me he had cheated on me. I sat there reading these letters tearing up a little thinking about how close I came to being in the actual hell he put me through. How did he write me these feelings of I love you with all of my heart. And still have the same heart to hurt me over and over and over again. I’m constantly telling people my divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me. And it’s still true today! At that time, I let myself get walked on over and over and over again. And I will never let anyone abuse and torture my soul like that ever again. His hateful heart saved me. It showed me just how strong I could be to get the hell out of there and stand up for myself. But like I said, it still made me cry to see just how close I came to the impending death I almost had with a truly horrible person.

I guess I keep these reminders to let me cry ugly. They let me cry and just show me that “girl, you’ve been through hell and back” and it’s okay. I’m ok. I survived those hells and I will keep on surviving those hells. My eyes will be swollen from the ever torturing tears that salt and burrow into my soul, but damn it I’ll ever let them get me the same way again. I will cry ugly. Because I need it. I need it to show me that I sure as hell can get up and go get that which I want in my life. I don’t cry ugly to pity myself. I cry ugly to flow out the heaviness of my burdens and to release it from my soul. So I can fill it up with who I am as a person. The light. The kindness and loving creature I am who loves without agenda. Who loves so purely and unconditionally. Because I am that person. And no one will ever hurt me like that again. Not now. Because I know who I am. And I am not afraid of who that is anymore.

A few unforgettable moments

My past post was written in a dark place I’ve found myself in for a few weeks. I know it brings concerns to you all but I swear I’ve worked through it and have constantly been working on it. Growth is measured by a product that is constantly growing right? So that’s what I’ve been doing.

It’s dawned on me that I’ve been looking at this in a pretty timorous angle. I’ve been comparing. A lot. And the thing is, there is no comparison. Catwoman has been kicking my ass giving me the moment of truth ass kicking. Keeping me from overthinking and really going off the deep end with my emotions. Some tough love was given to me by Cinny poo which I did indeed need to hear and realize over and over again that I am a worthy person. There is no comparison of my past to my present.

So this is what I have to say for myself. The wrestler has been amazing with me and it’s time to tell you all how.

When we first met it was this right here. I was apprehensive to taking him seriously. Because let’s face it, I’ve been hurt too many times to really let a guy in or at least drop some part of my walls down. But since the beginning, he’s shown me how different he is.

The first time we went out you all know about already. And honestly it’s still as titillating to me today as it was the first time I met him.

Our first few weeks together was a thrill. The first time we spent the night together he made me feel like I was the most beautiful girl. He didn’t let me hide my insecurities about my body but touched me like it was a delicate fruit being tasted with luxury.

The first time he showed me off as his was scary and thrilling. We went to a very risqué club where he let my carnal little sub come out and pleasured me in front of an audience while I took the reigns and seduced him with my body. It was pure lovemaking to a man I craved and still cannot be satiated of having. He took me, tasted and ruined me in bliss till I was a pile of goo. You could hear our lovemaking throughout the club it’s intensity drawing the crowd. My moans loud and hungry. His thrusts deep and dominating my entire being. There was no holding back. And no reason to hold back. As creepy as the onlookers were and so many of them inquired on being part of the fun, all I saw was my Daddy and how much I wanted him that night. Who knew that being in a partly public setting would let my submissive side really come out. I really must be an exhibitionist at heart because I dripped in anticipation all night for the wrestler.

The first time I went to one of his matches and actually every one I’ve been to since, I feel like he’s so glad to have me there. He low key shows me off… if he didn’t, I wouldn’t get as much attention as I do. I don’t know if you know that feeling. I for shits sake hadn’t been shown off by a man in I don’t even know how many years. I’ve met some of his friends now and instead of being just a groupie or what they call a ring rat, they treat me like he does. Like I belong there. Which, well let’s face it. I have no idea at all about the world of wrestling. I stick out like a sore thumb but he hilariously accepts that I’m there because of course I’m intrigued to be a part of his world and who wouldn’t be excited to be the cheer support of his??? Which btw I totally have a tee I made specifically for his shows which I’ll have to show off to you guys. But anyway, he’s got super cool nerdy wrestling friends and I always have such a good time. I’m actually pretty excited to go to his shows, it’s a great show, I love being his trophy fan and he knows I totally love seeing him in spandex 😍😍 lol. I mean I who wouldn’t??? 🤤🤤girls… I know that you guys think it’s just us who should wear tight stuff… I’m telling you when the beast comes out and he’s basically showing through the spandex… well there’s a lot to imagine 😏

It’s not always so physical with the wrestler. He’s actually shown me a lot of intimacy that i wasn’t expecting from him. I mean that in the best way too. Not just sexually but in the vanilla sense that well even us naughty little sluts dream of. The intimacy that comes with cuddles, the soft kisses on the forehead, the soft groping when he’s yearning for touch is just a little part of it. I love it when he’s had a hard day at work and even though he and i have worked all day he’ll tell me to come over. Then we cuddle and he holds me all night. I love when he low key tells me how he likes owning me by the silly texts he sends me throughout the day or how he’s constantly telling me that I’m beautiful. Or how he will call me a good girl simply because I say something in agreement or even by sending him my silly texts back. He’ll flirt with me in his silly nerdy way and it makes my little jump for joy that a Daddy finally wants me to come out and play in the little world. No sex involved. Just me being me. I love it when he tells me I look sexy when we both know I look like shit after a long day. I love how he compliments me and my body when I’m insecure. The other day I wore the dress he missed out on (which he actually helped me decide on when I bought it) when he couldn’t join me at my friends wedding and all day he stole touches on my body. Soft touches that tantalized my mind and my body. Not just the usual grab or grope, but the soft caress of a finger, marking my body, owning it and taking what is so naturally his to taunt and tickle.

He literally sent that to me one day. And took it to heart. He makes me feel so damn beautiful. Like there’s nothing even at my worst (which he has seen) that isn’t enough to arouse his mind with. Or how he holds my cold… let me rephrase that, frozen hands and body to warm me up when we’re snuggling in bed together. God this bliss I’m feeling is heavenly.

As I said, not all of our intimacy has been physical. I don’t know about you guys but for me…. meeting people that are close to you like family, is as intimate as it gets. He has yet to meet anyone in my family or my friends. But that’s also because my schedule with them is more hectic than ever these days. So really we just haven’t had the time for me to show him off rather than him showing me off like usual. I love that he’s not afraid of being with me. He’s not insecure about showing up with me. Like that’s not only super sexy in my book but really shows me that I do exist in his world. One of these occurrences was meeting his daughter… let me tell you about this. Not only is he sexy as hell to begin with. But he’s a good dad who’s raising his daughter right! Ladies and gents I have found a sexy ass Dad who’s dad mode makes my uterus scream “keep me and let me make your babies.” Watching him with his daughter is amazing. And getting to meet her will always be one of my most favorite days on earth. She is so spunky and adorable. She’s so much like her dad and yet all I want to do is make her happy and furthermore make her dad happy. Yesterday when he said I was going to be able to see her again I got sooooooooooooooooo excited. And I did. I loved seeing her. I loved how she asked if I was gonna stay and I loved knowing how she doesn’t hate me like I had originally thought she was going to. She’s had a chance to actually have her own opinion of me in her own specific view and I wouldn’t change that for the world! I really can’t wait to spend more time with her should Daddy allow me to.

We don’t have a label on this relationship thing we have going on. I don’t like the drama because I have enough of it on my own. And he detests the insecurity that weevils it’s way into it. So I take it a day at a time and honestly I’m okay with that. It’s not the “I love you” proclamations that are really not where we’re at right now. I know deep down I want him and his actions show me the same. It’s very adult. There hasn’t been much drama. Mostly the drama is brought on by miscommunication and insecurity I have which surprisingly he hasn’t let me down on either. Any man who doesn’t want you to be there will not waste his time and spend it with you. And he’s shown me that. Every time. He’s so damn patient with me when I’ve thrown a temper tantrum. He’s understanding when I tell him I need to be little. Or that I need to work on communication and he gives me time and works through it with me. Without any anger or hurtful words to me. He just takes it and works it, fixes it and helps me talk to him about it. And we work through it together. I’ve been having insecurity issues lately. I can’t help it. I want to be owned by my Daddy. So when anything (and I mean anything) stands in the way of that I close up. I freak out and shut down. And he talks to me about it. We work on my communication a lot. And honestly I need it. It’s been a long time since I had a Daddy who was interested in knowing how I felt and wanted something for me too. He’s been unselfish about it. It’s not all about just serving him. It’s about us having a chance to enjoy each other and taking it an adventure and experience at a time.

I think I’m falling for him. I’m scared to. I want it so bad. But I also know it’ll take time. Effort, love and trust. Respect and patience. I’m willing to put the effort into it. He’s totally worth every part of it.

Trigger

So many of you know that I’m bisexual. With that being said, it’s been a really long time (since the pilot and my alpha) since I’ve had a relationship with a girl. And a lot of you who have been with me on this journey also know how much love I put into that relationship. And how hurt I also got.

So, I guess I’ve been dreading writing this blog post. But it occurred to me that I am easily triggered and I need to write it out. Thank you Selena Kyle my favorite kitty who’s always watching my 6:00 who would have told me to write about it anyway. Anyway, it’s 1:30am. I can’t sleep because I’ve been triggered and I needed to write.

I don’t even know how to start this. I guess I should go back and explain what happened about a month ago??

The wrestler like all my other past Doms loves the fact that I enjoy the sexual fun of a woman. I mean who wouldn’t but really, it’s lately become a huge topic in our day to day. And honestly I do miss it. I miss being able to have a close connection with a girl who is totally also down for fun in and out of the bedroom. But lately I guess I’ve been feeling out of place. I don’t go out into the world like “omg I’m bisexual look at me” I mean women are scary. I should know. I’m a woman, an alpha woman at that which is even more intimidating. I guess it’s just hitting me that eventually what if we do bring someone into our relationship.

The first time we talked about it I told him straight up, I like girls but I don’t date girls. And after the whole fiasco about being an alpha sub in the bedroom but not in the relationship with the pilot, just makes it worse. It triggers me into this frenzy of (am I not good enough just myself, am I not attractive enough, why can’t I be enough, what will she be?)

So of course when he mentioned a girl he knew who would be down for a fun time, I was expecting to meet the girl and see if we would mesh well. Instead, I didn’t get to meet the girl, he spent the time with her, and I freaked out. And now it’s even worse because now that he’s told the other girl about me, she’s not even down to enjoy it. Which is messed up but when I think about it it just makes me sad so I guess I don’t want to think about it.

So we got into a big fight and I freaked out. Like literal meltdown. I got triggered so bad about how things were with E and I and the pilot that I literally had a panic attack. It wasn’t until Selena pointed out to me that he mentioned it to me that I realized how badly I got triggered.

She repeated what he said to me which is I guess the most crucial part of this. “He said that you’re his little. That she’s just someone to add to it who’s not his little.” Or something of that nature.

And honestly she was right. I’m HIS little. I will be his little until eventually we either break up or I dunno fall out of whatever it is this is. I can’t say it’s love. Because I can’t admit it to myself that I’m in love with him. It’s not quite there yet.

I’m not sure if I am in love with him. I do know I love to spend time with him in and out of the bedroom. I do know that he’s given me lots and lots of good experiences and that I’ve had the honor of meeting people he holds closest to himself. So yeah we’ve been moving a long in this thing we’ve got going on.

I know he loves seeing me in my little mode and that he enjoys spending time with me or he just wouldn’t spend time with me. I also know that he’s not interested in me for a committed relationship but rather a person he can enjoy time with that is open to experiencing life with. Which I appreciate for sure considering the last relationship I had broke me. I mean eventually I want to have a relationship a real one with him. But I gotta face it, we’re not there yet. And I’m not rushing into it.

He tells me I am his little. I take that to heart because he does spend a good amount of his time on me. I’m a lucky girl. I’ve got a Daddy who wants me to enjoy life. And especially if I get to enjoy it with him. So why do I feel this way?

Because I was hurt by people who said the same thing to me then abandoned me. He’s NOT them. Nor will he be. But part of me is still that little from almost 6 years ago who got hurt who’s scared of getting hurt again. So naturally I got triggered. I cried like a baby and I was sooo hurt even though nothing happened. Because I let my past insecurities screw me over.

And you know what, I did have a meltdown. And he forgave me. For basically judging him for someone else’s past history with me. He keeps reassuring me that I am his little. That whoever we find is for me to enjoy. He basically saw the petty little jealous brat come out, throw a huge fit (which actually was a panic attack) and forgave me. And furthermore he’s been really making me feel special because I think he just knows that I’ve been treated horribly and that he isn’t those people.

That’s what I keep forgetting. He’s not them. He’s not trying to hurt me, he’s being honest and open to me. And really he’s shown me in so many ways that I spend a lot of intimate time with him. And I don’t mean that sexually. Everyone keeps telling me that it’s a good thing that he’s a good thing. And I know he is. I want him to be mine sooooo bad. I want it all. And it’s not wrong for me to feel this way.

So why does this feeling of I’m gonna get hurt if I bring someone else in with us even for a one time deal thing freaking me out??? Because I was hurt. I was told I was loved and cherished (even to this day they tell me I was “so important” to them.) then abandoned and left for dead by these people.

He’s not them. He’s the wrestler. This guy who’s literally charmed you till you’re wrapped around his finger. The guy who you literally crave being close to. The guy who has been so consistent with your crazy and wants to be with you even if you’re nuts. The guy who calls you up just to cuddle. He’s freaking amazing.

So why does my heart ache a little thinking about some other girl we’re gonna be able to enjoy together? Maybe it’s because I have ptsd about the pilot, maybe it’s because I’m scared I won’t be good enough. I am though right??? I know I am. Honestly I know I’m worth it all. But the hurt little girl inside me cries in agony thinking about finding a potential beta sub. Maybe it’s because I don’t want them to go through what I did and that hurts more?? I dunno.

I’m probably overthinking this like everything else I do. I’m not apprehensive about adding another person if they’re the right person. I’m scared and insecure because the truth is, they did hurt me. I’ve come up stronger don’t get me wrong. But the cement I’ve used to build back that wall isn’t fully stable yet.