Dear Wrestler

My dearest Wrestler,

It’s 6:30 in the morning on this blustery cold morning, and I can’t keep my eyes shut even if my body is exhausted from the craziness that is my world. I’m not really sure why I’m writing in this forum but I guess I’ve never been great at saying things out loud. I’m much more centered in the words I don’t say out loud. Like you, my words out loud find themselves taciturn. But get me writing a letter and I seem to never shut up.

I guess I’ll get to the point since I’m not really sure how this will turn out. You’ve always told me to communicate my feelings and give you honesty. Even if it was brutal. Well here goes.

I think I’m falling for you. I think I’ve known it for a long time now. The first few weeks we had together you told me not to get my hopes up. That you weren’t looking for something serious. But to have a chance to enjoy and experience new things with a person. And I was lucky enough that these past few months you’ve chosen me to spend that time with. Some days I think to myself, it’s been months, why does it feel this way and I burrow myself into this insecure little bubble of “why.” Because I know you warned me not to. But I did anyway. I fell for you hard! The moment I met your daughter and got to see the real you, I knew I had lost the battle. And it scares me, because I know it’s not what you really want.

You thrive in your freedom. It makes sense. Your Gemini soul seeks to find that freedom, no matter the consequences of the Aries heart I have. And honestly, most days our energies mesh so well together that I find my yin in your yang. You get me. In ways you don’t even realize but I do and I appreciate it so much. You never seek to hurt me but you shy away from wanting me too much so you just don’t. You keep your distance at bay because deep down you don’t want a relationship.

And I think that’s my problem. When I met you I didn’t want a relationship. I told you that straight up because I was in a bad place in my heart. I was walled up and shut down because I was soooo used to disappointment. But these past few months you’ve shown me that there are good men out there who don’t seek to hurt me. You’ve given me joy in the little things like cuddles and safe place hugs which secure my heart and give me strength. But at the same time, I find myself insecure because I know it doesn’t matter how much I love you. You won’t return the feelings. And it’s not like you don’t show them. You do and I wonder if you even realize it. I mean, do you realize it?

What sane man brings a woman into his life and introduces you to basically his entire life, and not expect her to fall for him? I never thought you’d ever let me meet your sweet girl. Yet you did, and her spunkiness literally makes me squeal in delight. I know she drives you nuts but honestly, she’s this precious gem of a person and I wouldn’t change the effervescent heart she has. She’s lit up my life with her adorable quirkiness even if I haven’t been able to spend as much time as I want with her, i still hope to steal her away and just enjoy her amazing sweet energy. Watching you with her though… makes my ovaries cry. Because I’m at an age where that happens when I see a great man step up to be an amazing father and you’ve done such an amazing job with her. It’s like my womanhood yearns for that in this crazy hormonal “I want that in my life” moment. I love watching it from a distance. Watching you love her and care for her as a great father gives me faith in men I had lost in so many men of my past.

Hilariously, I guess that’s why I have Daddy issues. And that’s another reason why you’re so wonderful. Because you accept my quirks. And you don’t make me feel horrible for being me. You accept that I have a need to be genuinely myself and I don’t have to be anything but the crazy plain Jane I am. Though you’re constantly boosting my ego and telling me I’m really not a plain Jane. Well you’re blind hahaha because I am 😜. But that’s ok. Because I love being the girl who catches your eye. I love the way you look at me when your eyes tell me I’m yours. You’ve looked at me like that in front of your friends, in front of the girl we enjoyed, and even in random public that we’ve had even if it’s been short term. Because they tell me I belong to you. My body, my soul, my ever hopelessly romantic heart. I yearn to be that girl. The girl you sleep more comfortably with. The girl you think about on a long exhausting day just because you know she’s thinking about you.

I’ve begun to wonder how deep I can get myself into your world. Because I know in the end, you will fight me on it. You’ll push yourself away because I’ve become too attached and so I’ll shut down. I’ll run back to my hole of insecurities because what I want is not what has been offered. I can’t help but want it. I want all of it. I want the joy, the fear, the hurt, the rage, the love you have to offer. I know you’re not offering it mind you, but I want it. I want to be the girl who you can depend on being there because I want to be there for you. I’ve said that to you before, many times only to be shut down. Why do I keep coaxing you??? Because Daddy, I’m yours.

I’ve told you time and time again, if you don’t want it, step away. But you keep telling me just to be me and I do. Because being me is what you want. Unapologetically myself, seems to be okay for you. The only thing that is me that you don’t respond to is that I have a huge heart that wants to be shared with you. Even if you have this huge hole in yours that you refuse to fill.

Is it fear Daddy? Is it that you don’t want to fall for me like I have for you? Is it because people are messed up and hurt each other too much. I’m telling you, I’m not here to hurt you. I want to enrich your life and your world. I want to be the girl you’re proud of. And I want to be a part of your world though you try so hard to keep it shut out from me. I’m not saying let’s be together in a fake “we’re so happy look at us ooze in affection” sort of way because we both know, neither of us are really like that. Nor do we have the patience for that. But if there’s a day where you just want to be adored while playing your video games as I snuggle your head and doze off rubbing your shoulders, Handsome, I’m the girl who can give you that. And I’ll do it gladly because it means I can enjoy the time with you. Not doing anything but being in your company. If you want a witness to your rage mode because you can’t find your work boots and not want to look like a crazy person. I’m the girl who won’t judge you because I know how much it sucks to lose something dumb. (Been trying to find my mermaid slippers for a week… damn dog! 🤣) I’m tellin you Daddy. I’m a pretty good girl. Because I really want my Daddy. Not the idea of you, just you.

Recently, I’ve been feeling you pull away. The giggly girl inside me wants to say it’s because you low key love me and you’re in denial. But in all honesty, I’m not really sure where you’re at these days. You know I don’t respond really well to silence and so I’m confused. Because not using your words is not normal for you, though they be short and precise. Let me know how you are. I won’t judge. I might cry but I’ll get over it. And furthermore I won’t let you see me cry.

But here’s the catch. I don’t want to step in the way of you living your life. I don’t want to be a burden on your heart because it just doesn’t feel that way for me. I will simply let go and never bother you again should you feel that way. And leave happily knowing I got to spend the great few months I have with you. Because I love you. And I love your daughter. And I want to be a part of your lives even if you’re scared of it. I know I know, you’re not the same person you were five years ago. You don’t have that in you anymore. Well, I’m offering it anyway. Because I can. And I want to. If you don’t want to accept it, then it’s okay too. You don’t have anything to lose. I do. Not only will I have the potential to lose my Daddy who I am so falling for. But I lose my friend and I lose what chance I have at being a part of your life. So really, putting myself out there is a risk. But I’m taking that risk. Because you deserve honesty. And I deserve the right to tell you how I feel. So here it is. My cards are all on the table. Do what you will with it.

Love,

Your little girl