Have you ever been in a situation where the past haunts you and you have to face it so you can move on? But in doing so, you hurt yourself all over again. It tears you apart, but you know you need it because it’s good for you to constantly be facing those demons head on so you can move forward. Parts of me is always yearning to go back and start all over again. Other parts of me are so glad things are over. A big part of me just needs a damn cry. A hard one where snot slides down your nose and you literally can’t catch your breath. But doing it lets you breathe. Let’s you feel the pain but also makes you so aware that “girl, you have been through hell and back over and over and over again. And you rose from it and it made you and still makes you into a stronger person every day.
I needed that today, hell I’ve been needing it for forever. A few months ago I was talking to my favorite kitty Selena, and she said “tell your daddy you need a reset spanking. One where it makes you cry so you can breathe.” And I did. I told the wrestler I needed a reset spanking. And I got a hell of a spanking. But it was only for temporary relief. Instead, not only did I get a very intense reset spanking, but I also had a really really horrible sub drop right afterwards that killed me. That lasted for days. And there was nothing I could do about it. The wrestler and I talked about it, really communicated my insecurities and his needs and my needs and I thought it was going to help me reset.
I’m empathic. I feel emotion on a whole other level. And though lots of times, that ability to feel so much emotion is usually good kind and loving emotions, other times they are dark feelings. Overwhelming feelings of hurt pain and defeat. Lately, these are my thoughts. I feel the negativity of what surrounds me more so these days than I feel the encouraging happy feelings. And it’s not anyone’s fault. (Yes my glittery cupcake friends don’t get all sassy because you’re ready to beat someone up, it’s not that…. although…. you could beat up some family members I could live without if you really do want to beat someone for the fun of it. Jkjk) it’s just this season I guess. This whole winter has been putting me in a dark place.
I’ve been spending a lot of time with the wrestler. From his wrestling matches to the random late nights we spend together, I would not ever want to take the time I have with him for granted. I know deep inside (even if he won’t admit it to himself) he does care and love me, that he’s been such a great part of my past few months. I do love him. There I said it. I love you Daddy. I haven’t found the courage to tell you out loud but I do. Because you accept me in so many ways that I never thought I could find in a person. You have been such a godsend to me this year. I’m not saying I’ll ever have the guts to tell you I love you to your face, but at least here, I’ll be able to say it out loud and not hear you gripe about it 😈😝. I know somewhere in your heart you do love me. And you hate it because it’s not a “you” thing. Most days he has to quiet the antsy giggly brat I am because he knows I’m completely attached and he is too afraid to let it happen. And we do talk about it. I tell him all the time.”be honest with me Daddy, that’s all I ask” and he reiterates that I am his little and he is my Daddy. And if that ever changes he will tell me. And honestly I am okay with that to a point I guess. Rationally, it makes sense. Neither of us are in a space mentally or emotionally to be able to give that much of ourselves to another person yet… there are days where I want to say anymore, but I’ll leave it at yet, because every day I pray it’s a yet and not a nope not happening. He gets me. He’s so damn patient with me it drives me nuts because I try so hard to get the beast out of him. What can I say I’m a brat. And I need my Daddy. Hell, I think there are days (yet again another thing he won’t admit) that he needs me as much as I do him. But it’s a young relationship and I don’t want to rush into anything anymore. He’s pretty special to me. And I am truly blessed to have been able to have him in my life.
Anyway…. back to crying ugly. A few weeks ago, a few months ago I guess is when it started, Ches checked in. I’m almost positive that he’s been keeping tabs on me and he’s either jealous that I am pretty happy now without him, or back to being the Ches I know who is lovesick for his own pity. I tried. For years I tried to tell him how much he was loved and that true love was his with no secret agendas to hurt him. When I finally looked at our relationship and how much I tried and it just wasn’t enough, I ended it. I could not keep that deep dark sadness of not being what was right there in front of him going. I gave him all of me. He didn’t want it enough to realize that all I wanted was him in return. And when he finally did, I no longer had enough in me to give him more. I deserve better than that. I still do. And I do want him to be happy. But it won’t be with me. And I’m over it. He needs to move on too. He randomly called me out of the blue the other day. Left a sad message telling me he was looking for me and then randomly hung up. And I was so sad. I told my Daddy that next time Daddy needs to pick up and tell him to never do it again. Because I know me. It will hurt me and I will not let that happen again. I deserve more than emptiness. Daddy told me I needed to block him from my life. So I did. Because he knows how much I need to have a supporter, someone who is stable and not there to hurt me. And adding Ches back into my life is letting someone who hurt me keep on hurting me. He didn’t know what he had when he had it. I begged him to realize it before it was too late. And he didn’t care enough to see that until it really was too late. But I won’t go there again.
Another thing that happened to me recently is finding long lost love letters from my ex husband when he was in boot camp. I was searching for past tax forms and I found his old letters. The only one I couldn’t find was the first one he sent me that he told me he had cheated on me. I sat there reading these letters tearing up a little thinking about how close I came to being in the actual hell he put me through. How did he write me these feelings of I love you with all of my heart. And still have the same heart to hurt me over and over and over again. I’m constantly telling people my divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me. And it’s still true today! At that time, I let myself get walked on over and over and over again. And I will never let anyone abuse and torture my soul like that ever again. His hateful heart saved me. It showed me just how strong I could be to get the hell out of there and stand up for myself. But like I said, it still made me cry to see just how close I came to the impending death I almost had with a truly horrible person.
I guess I keep these reminders to let me cry ugly. They let me cry and just show me that “girl, you’ve been through hell and back” and it’s okay. I’m ok. I survived those hells and I will keep on surviving those hells. My eyes will be swollen from the ever torturing tears that salt and burrow into my soul, but damn it I’ll ever let them get me the same way again. I will cry ugly. Because I need it. I need it to show me that I sure as hell can get up and go get that which I want in my life. I don’t cry ugly to pity myself. I cry ugly to flow out the heaviness of my burdens and to release it from my soul. So I can fill it up with who I am as a person. The light. The kindness and loving creature I am who loves without agenda. Who loves so purely and unconditionally. Because I am that person. And no one will ever hurt me like that again. Not now. Because I know who I am. And I am not afraid of who that is anymore.