Close your eyes for a moment and imagine yourself in a dark quiet room. Open your ears and you’ll hear the whisper of the wind, the soft cries of the voices that haunt your innermost thoughts, the emptiness that becomes so loud in the silence.
This is how I’ve been feeling these past few months. I guess it really started last year. There was a tugging on my heart that just knew.. knew I wasn’t in the right place within myself anymore. My strong tower fell up on itself and I had to piece it back together.
I failed out of school, broke up with Ches (which is still really complicated.) moved out of Texas and came home.
Honestly, being home is the only thing keeping me going these days. I sit and talk to my grandma and appreciate every second I have with her. She brings peace to my fear and hope to my heart because she has so much love and support for me. I sit with my mom these days and surprisingly have wonderful conversations about how I’m doing. My brothers and I will enjoy endless reckless shenanigans together like playing football with teenagers (I have scars to prove my badassery) and my nieces…. they are my favorite things on earth right now. I’ll go to the craft store with my sister in law and be completely awed with how wonderful my nieces are.
But even when you’re in a room full of people, you can feel alone. I was talking to my friend darling about how much of my time has been spent alone. For most of the past decade I’ve been alone. Alone to to the things I wanted to do, alone to be the one who took care of the meaningless things that needed to be done, alone to take the struggle and the hardships I had to go through and build it into something stronger. Even when i stayed with Ches for a week I was alone. That’s the worst part. Is feeling alone when you’re with someone you are supposed to feel whole with.
The aloness seems to heighten when you have to be at your strongest. It’s like no matter what, people are relying on you to be the better person or do the right thing. It makes you the person who stands out and isolates you from the whole. It does make you stronger. But that doesn’t mean it makes you feel less alone.
I guess I’ve gotten so used to this feeling that it just makes me feel numb now. Numb to everything around me.
But don’t take this the wrong way. I am comfortable being alone. It’s made me stronger and more open to the things around me. It’s shown me that I am comfortable in my own skin and my own person as a whole. It’s given me an opportunity to grow into the person I am. It’s a force to be reckoned with. And it’s made me not want to settle for less than I am worth. But you know there are days where it’s exhausting having to be the strong one.
Open your eyes today. Find someone you care about and tell them they aren’t alone. Because sometimes, we don’t say it enough. And there are those who really need to hear it.