**warning… this post will probably annoy the shit out of you and I withhold my filter today. So if you don’t like it…. fuck off**
I’ve gotten to a point this year where I’m really to fall off the wagon into the river, drift into the crashing rapids, and slowly sink to the bottom of the deep dark place that the sediment falls into. It hurts me to have to write this. But damn it I’m fucking tired. I’m fed up with not being enough.
This school quarter is kicking me right in the vagina!! Not only am I two points shy of failing my pharmacology class but yesterday, I totally fucked up and I lost my confidence in myself over a simple procedure. Anyone who knows nurses knows that the first thing you do when you walk into that patient’s room is you show confidence so that the patient doesn’t worry. Well I fucked up at the med cart which i fixed there, but my confidence at the bedside totally fucked me over. And the instructor will probably never have faith in me again. Which is sad because previous to that, she just told me and my classmate that we were doing good and she felt confident in our care. Well fuck you life for making me jinx it all by my damn self.
This isn’t about that.
My best friend Selina Kyle suggested to me to write out my feelings today because obviously speaking isn’t helping. So I’m taking her advice and doing so.
I’m feeling neglected these days. Yes I do know that I love thousands of miles away from everyone in the entire world. Yes I understand that there are more important things than my little meltdowns. And yes I understand that I just need to grow up about it and move on. I have my own pair of cajones thank you. I can take care of myself and have been doing so my entire Fucking life. Because I have learned that relying on other people is to rely on the fact that not only will they disappoint you in the end but you will disappoint yourself for having too much faith in people who don’t give a fuck about you. My parents for example… my entire life had been devoted to making them proud till the one time I fall and they don’t even care to want to offer me any help in any freaking situation. I’m getting to the point bare with me….
when it comes to little’s, in my case middles, whatever the fuck you want us to call it. Stop right there and back the fuck off unless you are ready to handle what it entails.
The first time a girl gives up her walls and calls you Daddy… unless you are comfortable with that title and what it means, tell her to stop and don’t give her any fucking hope. Because that moment that you did so, she gave you the biggest thing she could ever offer up to you. Herself. Broken and glued back together again with the paste of what is her life her past and her hope for the future. If you allow it and take it for all that it is worth and understand that, great. If not but you let her anyway…. you’re an asshole because you have her hope and she needed you to let her. But you aren’t willing to make it worth your while to care for her most precious gift and that makes you an asshole.
Don’t fucking lie to her about how much you love her if you aren’t willing to show it to her. I’m not talking about gifts and material love. I’m talking about the “I love you” “I want you” “I need you” love. The way you go out of your way to make someone know you love them. Even with simple shit like words.
If she ever says she needs you or that she misses you. That’s a god damn gift asshole. This girl does it all by her damn self and more. But the fact that she wants you of all things… she thinks you are worthy of being wanted. She needs you because she knows no one else will make her feel the way you do. Because you matter to her more than anyone else.
Please for the love of all that is good stop making her wait for you to step up. She already gave you the power to do what ever with her. You are her priority. Make sure you’re willing and care enough to make her yours.
If not, for goodness sakes talk to her and let her go. If you aren’t willing to be that for her, stop hurting her by making her feel like it’s all okay when you already know you don’t want the precious gift she has to give you. Remember you didn’t choose her. She fucking thought you were the world and chose you. Even though time and again she couldn’t rely on anyone. She thought you were worth it. Be worth it damn it!
The ball is in your court Make sure You’re willing to get in the game or get the fuck out. She’s waisted enough time feeling unworthy and unwanted.
It’s not hard to love her so love her. It’s not rocket science. If it’s not worth your time. Let her go because in the end. You’re hurting her more by just ignoring her or letting her down because you won’t step up. Ruin her lipstick damn it. She’s fucking tired of buying mascara!
By the way. If she’s being a brat. Figure that shit out. Why is she being a brat? Because somewhere she is feeling icky with herself and she needs that stability. Your fucking so called sterness… is bullshit and she sees right through it. Take care of it. If you don’t want to because it’s too much for you, get the fuck out.