Sometimes you just need to cry ugly

Have you ever been in a situation where the past haunts you and you have to face it so you can move on? But in doing so, you hurt yourself all over again. It tears you apart, but you know you need it because it’s good for you to constantly be facing those demons head on so you can move forward. Parts of me is always yearning to go back and start all over again. Other parts of me are so glad things are over. A big part of me just needs a damn cry. A hard one where snot slides down your nose and you literally can’t catch your breath. But doing it lets you breathe. Let’s you feel the pain but also makes you so aware that “girl, you have been through hell and back over and over and over again. And you rose from it and it made you and still makes you into a stronger person every day.

I needed that today, hell I’ve been needing it for forever. A few months ago I was talking to my favorite kitty Selena, and she said “tell your daddy you need a reset spanking. One where it makes you cry so you can breathe.” And I did. I told the wrestler I needed a reset spanking. And I got a hell of a spanking. But it was only for temporary relief. Instead, not only did I get a very intense reset spanking, but I also had a really really horrible sub drop right afterwards that killed me. That lasted for days. And there was nothing I could do about it. The wrestler and I talked about it, really communicated my insecurities and his needs and my needs and I thought it was going to help me reset.

I’m empathic. I feel emotion on a whole other level. And though lots of times, that ability to feel so much emotion is usually good kind and loving emotions, other times they are dark feelings. Overwhelming feelings of hurt pain and defeat. Lately, these are my thoughts. I feel the negativity of what surrounds me more so these days than I feel the encouraging happy feelings. And it’s not anyone’s fault. (Yes my glittery cupcake friends don’t get all sassy because you’re ready to beat someone up, it’s not that…. although…. you could beat up some family members I could live without if you really do want to beat someone for the fun of it. Jkjk) it’s just this season I guess. This whole winter has been putting me in a dark place.

I’ve been spending a lot of time with the wrestler. From his wrestling matches to the random late nights we spend together, I would not ever want to take the time I have with him for granted. I know deep inside (even if he won’t admit it to himself) he does care and love me, that he’s been such a great part of my past few months. I do love him. There I said it. I love you Daddy. I haven’t found the courage to tell you out loud but I do. Because you accept me in so many ways that I never thought I could find in a person. You have been such a godsend to me this year. I’m not saying I’ll ever have the guts to tell you I love you to your face, but at least here, I’ll be able to say it out loud and not hear you gripe about it 😈😝. I know somewhere in your heart you do love me. And you hate it because it’s not a “you” thing. Most days he has to quiet the antsy giggly brat I am because he knows I’m completely attached and he is too afraid to let it happen. And we do talk about it. I tell him all the time.”be honest with me Daddy, that’s all I ask” and he reiterates that I am his little and he is my Daddy. And if that ever changes he will tell me. And honestly I am okay with that to a point I guess. Rationally, it makes sense. Neither of us are in a space mentally or emotionally to be able to give that much of ourselves to another person yet… there are days where I want to say anymore, but I’ll leave it at yet, because every day I pray it’s a yet and not a nope not happening. He gets me. He’s so damn patient with me it drives me nuts because I try so hard to get the beast out of him. What can I say I’m a brat. And I need my Daddy. Hell, I think there are days (yet again another thing he won’t admit) that he needs me as much as I do him. But it’s a young relationship and I don’t want to rush into anything anymore. He’s pretty special to me. And I am truly blessed to have been able to have him in my life.

Anyway…. back to crying ugly. A few weeks ago, a few months ago I guess is when it started, Ches checked in. I’m almost positive that he’s been keeping tabs on me and he’s either jealous that I am pretty happy now without him, or back to being the Ches I know who is lovesick for his own pity. I tried. For years I tried to tell him how much he was loved and that true love was his with no secret agendas to hurt him. When I finally looked at our relationship and how much I tried and it just wasn’t enough, I ended it. I could not keep that deep dark sadness of not being what was right there in front of him going. I gave him all of me. He didn’t want it enough to realize that all I wanted was him in return. And when he finally did, I no longer had enough in me to give him more. I deserve better than that. I still do. And I do want him to be happy. But it won’t be with me. And I’m over it. He needs to move on too. He randomly called me out of the blue the other day. Left a sad message telling me he was looking for me and then randomly hung up. And I was so sad. I told my Daddy that next time Daddy needs to pick up and tell him to never do it again. Because I know me. It will hurt me and I will not let that happen again. I deserve more than emptiness. Daddy told me I needed to block him from my life. So I did. Because he knows how much I need to have a supporter, someone who is stable and not there to hurt me. And adding Ches back into my life is letting someone who hurt me keep on hurting me. He didn’t know what he had when he had it. I begged him to realize it before it was too late. And he didn’t care enough to see that until it really was too late. But I won’t go there again.

Another thing that happened to me recently is finding long lost love letters from my ex husband when he was in boot camp. I was searching for past tax forms and I found his old letters. The only one I couldn’t find was the first one he sent me that he told me he had cheated on me. I sat there reading these letters tearing up a little thinking about how close I came to being in the actual hell he put me through. How did he write me these feelings of I love you with all of my heart. And still have the same heart to hurt me over and over and over again. I’m constantly telling people my divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me. And it’s still true today! At that time, I let myself get walked on over and over and over again. And I will never let anyone abuse and torture my soul like that ever again. His hateful heart saved me. It showed me just how strong I could be to get the hell out of there and stand up for myself. But like I said, it still made me cry to see just how close I came to the impending death I almost had with a truly horrible person.

I guess I keep these reminders to let me cry ugly. They let me cry and just show me that “girl, you’ve been through hell and back” and it’s okay. I’m ok. I survived those hells and I will keep on surviving those hells. My eyes will be swollen from the ever torturing tears that salt and burrow into my soul, but damn it I’ll ever let them get me the same way again. I will cry ugly. Because I need it. I need it to show me that I sure as hell can get up and go get that which I want in my life. I don’t cry ugly to pity myself. I cry ugly to flow out the heaviness of my burdens and to release it from my soul. So I can fill it up with who I am as a person. The light. The kindness and loving creature I am who loves without agenda. Who loves so purely and unconditionally. Because I am that person. And no one will ever hurt me like that again. Not now. Because I know who I am. And I am not afraid of who that is anymore.

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A few unforgettable moments

My past post was written in a dark place I’ve found myself in for a few weeks. I know it brings concerns to you all but I swear I’ve worked through it and have constantly been working on it. Growth is measured by a product that is constantly growing right? So that’s what I’ve been doing.

It’s dawned on me that I’ve been looking at this in a pretty timorous angle. I’ve been comparing. A lot. And the thing is, there is no comparison. Catwoman has been kicking my ass giving me the moment of truth ass kicking. Keeping me from overthinking and really going off the deep end with my emotions. Some tough love was given to me by Cinny poo which I did indeed need to hear and realize over and over again that I am a worthy person. There is no comparison of my past to my present.

So this is what I have to say for myself. The wrestler has been amazing with me and it’s time to tell you all how.

When we first met it was this right here. I was apprehensive to taking him seriously. Because let’s face it, I’ve been hurt too many times to really let a guy in or at least drop some part of my walls down. But since the beginning, he’s shown me how different he is.

The first time we went out you all know about already. And honestly it’s still as titillating to me today as it was the first time I met him.

Our first few weeks together was a thrill. The first time we spent the night together he made me feel like I was the most beautiful girl. He didn’t let me hide my insecurities about my body but touched me like it was a delicate fruit being tasted with luxury.

The first time he showed me off as his was scary and thrilling. We went to a very risquΓ© club where he let my carnal little sub come out and pleasured me in front of an audience while I took the reigns and seduced him with my body. It was pure lovemaking to a man I craved and still cannot be satiated of having. He took me, tasted and ruined me in bliss till I was a pile of goo. You could hear our lovemaking throughout the club it’s intensity drawing the crowd. My moans loud and hungry. His thrusts deep and dominating my entire being. There was no holding back. And no reason to hold back. As creepy as the onlookers were and so many of them inquired on being part of the fun, all I saw was my Daddy and how much I wanted him that night. Who knew that being in a partly public setting would let my submissive side really come out. I really must be an exhibitionist at heart because I dripped in anticipation all night for the wrestler.

The first time I went to one of his matches and actually every one I’ve been to since, I feel like he’s so glad to have me there. He low key shows me off… if he didn’t, I wouldn’t get as much attention as I do. I don’t know if you know that feeling. I for shits sake hadn’t been shown off by a man in I don’t even know how many years. I’ve met some of his friends now and instead of being just a groupie or what they call a ring rat, they treat me like he does. Like I belong there. Which, well let’s face it. I have no idea at all about the world of wrestling. I stick out like a sore thumb but he hilariously accepts that I’m there because of course I’m intrigued to be a part of his world and who wouldn’t be excited to be the cheer support of his??? Which btw I totally have a tee I made specifically for his shows which I’ll have to show off to you guys. But anyway, he’s got super cool nerdy wrestling friends and I always have such a good time. I’m actually pretty excited to go to his shows, it’s a great show, I love being his trophy fan and he knows I totally love seeing him in spandex 😍😍 lol. I mean I who wouldn’t??? 🀀🀀girls… I know that you guys think it’s just us who should wear tight stuff… I’m telling you when the beast comes out and he’s basically showing through the spandex… well there’s a lot to imagine 😏

It’s not always so physical with the wrestler. He’s actually shown me a lot of intimacy that i wasn’t expecting from him. I mean that in the best way too. Not just sexually but in the vanilla sense that well even us naughty little sluts dream of. The intimacy that comes with cuddles, the soft kisses on the forehead, the soft groping when he’s yearning for touch is just a little part of it. I love it when he’s had a hard day at work and even though he and i have worked all day he’ll tell me to come over. Then we cuddle and he holds me all night. I love when he low key tells me how he likes owning me by the silly texts he sends me throughout the day or how he’s constantly telling me that I’m beautiful. Or how he will call me a good girl simply because I say something in agreement or even by sending him my silly texts back. He’ll flirt with me in his silly nerdy way and it makes my little jump for joy that a Daddy finally wants me to come out and play in the little world. No sex involved. Just me being me. I love it when he tells me I look sexy when we both know I look like shit after a long day. I love how he compliments me and my body when I’m insecure. The other day I wore the dress he missed out on (which he actually helped me decide on when I bought it) when he couldn’t join me at my friends wedding and all day he stole touches on my body. Soft touches that tantalized my mind and my body. Not just the usual grab or grope, but the soft caress of a finger, marking my body, owning it and taking what is so naturally his to taunt and tickle.

He literally sent that to me one day. And took it to heart. He makes me feel so damn beautiful. Like there’s nothing even at my worst (which he has seen) that isn’t enough to arouse his mind with. Or how he holds my cold… let me rephrase that, frozen hands and body to warm me up when we’re snuggling in bed together. God this bliss I’m feeling is heavenly.

As I said, not all of our intimacy has been physical. I don’t know about you guys but for me…. meeting people that are close to you like family, is as intimate as it gets. He has yet to meet anyone in my family or my friends. But that’s also because my schedule with them is more hectic than ever these days. So really we just haven’t had the time for me to show him off rather than him showing me off like usual. I love that he’s not afraid of being with me. He’s not insecure about showing up with me. Like that’s not only super sexy in my book but really shows me that I do exist in his world. One of these occurrences was meeting his daughter… let me tell you about this. Not only is he sexy as hell to begin with. But he’s a good dad who’s raising his daughter right! Ladies and gents I have found a sexy ass Dad who’s dad mode makes my uterus scream “keep me and let me make your babies.” Watching him with his daughter is amazing. And getting to meet her will always be one of my most favorite days on earth. She is so spunky and adorable. She’s so much like her dad and yet all I want to do is make her happy and furthermore make her dad happy. Yesterday when he said I was going to be able to see her again I got sooooooooooooooooo excited. And I did. I loved seeing her. I loved how she asked if I was gonna stay and I loved knowing how she doesn’t hate me like I had originally thought she was going to. She’s had a chance to actually have her own opinion of me in her own specific view and I wouldn’t change that for the world! I really can’t wait to spend more time with her should Daddy allow me to.

We don’t have a label on this relationship thing we have going on. I don’t like the drama because I have enough of it on my own. And he detests the insecurity that weevils it’s way into it. So I take it a day at a time and honestly I’m okay with that. It’s not the “I love you” proclamations that are really not where we’re at right now. I know deep down I want him and his actions show me the same. It’s very adult. There hasn’t been much drama. Mostly the drama is brought on by miscommunication and insecurity I have which surprisingly he hasn’t let me down on either. Any man who doesn’t want you to be there will not waste his time and spend it with you. And he’s shown me that. Every time. He’s so damn patient with me when I’ve thrown a temper tantrum. He’s understanding when I tell him I need to be little. Or that I need to work on communication and he gives me time and works through it with me. Without any anger or hurtful words to me. He just takes it and works it, fixes it and helps me talk to him about it. And we work through it together. I’ve been having insecurity issues lately. I can’t help it. I want to be owned by my Daddy. So when anything (and I mean anything) stands in the way of that I close up. I freak out and shut down. And he talks to me about it. We work on my communication a lot. And honestly I need it. It’s been a long time since I had a Daddy who was interested in knowing how I felt and wanted something for me too. He’s been unselfish about it. It’s not all about just serving him. It’s about us having a chance to enjoy each other and taking it an adventure and experience at a time.

I think I’m falling for him. I’m scared to. I want it so bad. But I also know it’ll take time. Effort, love and trust. Respect and patience. I’m willing to put the effort into it. He’s totally worth every part of it.

Trigger

So many of you know that I’m bisexual. With that being said, it’s been a really long time (since the pilot and my alpha) since I’ve had a relationship with a girl. And a lot of you who have been with me on this journey also know how much love I put into that relationship. And how hurt I also got.

So, I guess I’ve been dreading writing this blog post. But it occurred to me that I am easily triggered and I need to write it out. Thank you Selena Kyle my favorite kitty who’s always watching my 6:00 who would have told me to write about it anyway. Anyway, it’s 1:30am. I can’t sleep because I’ve been triggered and I needed to write.

I don’t even know how to start this. I guess I should go back and explain what happened about a month ago??

The wrestler like all my other past Doms loves the fact that I enjoy the sexual fun of a woman. I mean who wouldn’t but really, it’s lately become a huge topic in our day to day. And honestly I do miss it. I miss being able to have a close connection with a girl who is totally also down for fun in and out of the bedroom. But lately I guess I’ve been feeling out of place. I don’t go out into the world like “omg I’m bisexual look at me” I mean women are scary. I should know. I’m a woman, an alpha woman at that which is even more intimidating. I guess it’s just hitting me that eventually what if we do bring someone into our relationship.

The first time we talked about it I told him straight up, I like girls but I don’t date girls. And after the whole fiasco about being an alpha sub in the bedroom but not in the relationship with the pilot, just makes it worse. It triggers me into this frenzy of (am I not good enough just myself, am I not attractive enough, why can’t I be enough, what will she be?)

So of course when he mentioned a girl he knew who would be down for a fun time, I was expecting to meet the girl and see if we would mesh well. Instead, I didn’t get to meet the girl, he spent the time with her, and I freaked out. And now it’s even worse because now that he’s told the other girl about me, she’s not even down to enjoy it. Which is messed up but when I think about it it just makes me sad so I guess I don’t want to think about it.

So we got into a big fight and I freaked out. Like literal meltdown. I got triggered so bad about how things were with E and I and the pilot that I literally had a panic attack. It wasn’t until Selena pointed out to me that he mentioned it to me that I realized how badly I got triggered.

She repeated what he said to me which is I guess the most crucial part of this. “He said that you’re his little. That she’s just someone to add to it who’s not his little.” Or something of that nature.

And honestly she was right. I’m HIS little. I will be his little until eventually we either break up or I dunno fall out of whatever it is this is. I can’t say it’s love. Because I can’t admit it to myself that I’m in love with him. It’s not quite there yet.

I’m not sure if I am in love with him. I do know I love to spend time with him in and out of the bedroom. I do know that he’s given me lots and lots of good experiences and that I’ve had the honor of meeting people he holds closest to himself. So yeah we’ve been moving a long in this thing we’ve got going on.

I know he loves seeing me in my little mode and that he enjoys spending time with me or he just wouldn’t spend time with me. I also know that he’s not interested in me for a committed relationship but rather a person he can enjoy time with that is open to experiencing life with. Which I appreciate for sure considering the last relationship I had broke me. I mean eventually I want to have a relationship a real one with him. But I gotta face it, we’re not there yet. And I’m not rushing into it.

He tells me I am his little. I take that to heart because he does spend a good amount of his time on me. I’m a lucky girl. I’ve got a Daddy who wants me to enjoy life. And especially if I get to enjoy it with him. So why do I feel this way?

Because I was hurt by people who said the same thing to me then abandoned me. He’s NOT them. Nor will he be. But part of me is still that little from almost 6 years ago who got hurt who’s scared of getting hurt again. So naturally I got triggered. I cried like a baby and I was sooo hurt even though nothing happened. Because I let my past insecurities screw me over.

And you know what, I did have a meltdown. And he forgave me. For basically judging him for someone else’s past history with me. He keeps reassuring me that I am his little. That whoever we find is for me to enjoy. He basically saw the petty little jealous brat come out, throw a huge fit (which actually was a panic attack) and forgave me. And furthermore he’s been really making me feel special because I think he just knows that I’ve been treated horribly and that he isn’t those people.

That’s what I keep forgetting. He’s not them. He’s not trying to hurt me, he’s being honest and open to me. And really he’s shown me in so many ways that I spend a lot of intimate time with him. And I don’t mean that sexually. Everyone keeps telling me that it’s a good thing that he’s a good thing. And I know he is. I want him to be mine sooooo bad. I want it all. And it’s not wrong for me to feel this way.

So why does this feeling of I’m gonna get hurt if I bring someone else in with us even for a one time deal thing freaking me out??? Because I was hurt. I was told I was loved and cherished (even to this day they tell me I was “so important” to them.) then abandoned and left for dead by these people.

He’s not them. He’s the wrestler. This guy who’s literally charmed you till you’re wrapped around his finger. The guy who you literally crave being close to. The guy who has been so consistent with your crazy and wants to be with you even if you’re nuts. The guy who calls you up just to cuddle. He’s freaking amazing.

So why does my heart ache a little thinking about some other girl we’re gonna be able to enjoy together? Maybe it’s because I have ptsd about the pilot, maybe it’s because I’m scared I won’t be good enough. I am though right??? I know I am. Honestly I know I’m worth it all. But the hurt little girl inside me cries in agony thinking about finding a potential beta sub. Maybe it’s because I don’t want them to go through what I did and that hurts more?? I dunno.

I’m probably overthinking this like everything else I do. I’m not apprehensive about adding another person if they’re the right person. I’m scared and insecure because the truth is, they did hurt me. I’ve come up stronger don’t get me wrong. But the cement I’ve used to build back that wall isn’t fully stable yet.

Bearded for my pleasure

So the 10th will be two months since I started seeing the Wrestler. And I gotta say, it’s been pretty awesome. It’s been hard to really wrap my head about not being a part of Ches’ life but I’ve come to the realization more and more that we just were not meant to be. The Wrestler has really helped me feel good about myself again. For so long, the little part of me has been shut down from Dom after Dom. And for once, I can let her come out freely and it’s okay. Working the way I do, and having to carry the weight of so much worry and troubles within myself, and my family and work and so much more is exhausting. And he doesn’t seem to be exhausted by my whims. Every time I see him is like a new adventure. We pushes my boundaries a little more, he challenges my little to be open and free about herself. And that literally makes it soooooooooo nice to breathe. Recently, I got to see my favorite Kitty Selena Kyle. littleplusmore.wordpress.com Who showed me how much my time having spent with the Wrestler has meant to me. She said one thing that gave me the “aha” moment. She told me that she hadn’t seen me smile the way I do and giggle and laugh and shine the way I did for someone like this in a long time. And you know what??? I was glowing. I haven’t been with someone seriously for a long time. Especially someone who gets me, who really understands my little completely. We laughed and giggled all night. Just completely lavished on how happy these guys we’ve been seeing has given us hope that there is light at the end of this tunnel. She showed me that I was really becoming very attached to the Wrestler and it was okay to feel that way. So of course I did what every good little girl would do. I told the Wrestler how I felt about him. I told him that I was really happy we met and that I was becoming attached and it felt great to have found someone who understood that part of me. In recent posts I have written and rewritten about how much I missed my little or how much of her I had lost. For the first time in my life (including all the years I’ve been through with Daddy after Daddy) someone wasn’t afraid of handling my little. He’s got me in little space 24/7 these days. And he loves it. He constantly tells me that I’m sexy or that he enjoys me, or that it’s okay for me to communicate and sometimes, he even tells me to “use my big girl words” so I can communicate effectively. And when I’m too stressed or the big girl takes over, he eases me to find comfort and encourages my little to seek him. I mean WHO THE HELL DOES THIS GUY THINK HE IS? Doesn’t he realize that if my little comes out that she’ll take over??? And that it will be exhausting for him??? I swear I’ve bratted I’ve shown him crazy, I’ve shown him pitiful temper tantrums and it doesn’t phase him. The thing is, I’ve never had a Daddy who cared enough to actually mold my little. They were all so concerned with making my little have to grow up and be a big girl all the freaking time. The truth is, I am a big girl on the outside. Hell, I am a woman. An alpha Woman who is constantly constantly having to grow the fuck up. And that is EXHAUSTING!!!! I manage myself, my life, my finances, my work all by my damn self. And it’s exhausting having to be a big girl all the time. It’s exhausting having to be at the top of my game every single second of the day. I even said that to the Wrestler. “I’m tired of having to be an ALPHA woman all the time. Sometimes it’s nice to let go and have someone else take the reigns, sometimes it’s nice to be able to not have to be in control.” And all he says is, “I know.” And then he lets me breathe. Takes the reigns and lets me just be me. He lets me fall into his arms exhausted by the worries of my world to let me calm myself and let go. Find my little space and relax. Serving him is so easy. He doesn’t want the drama or the epic “Daddy I can’t survive without you.” All he wants is the “Daddy I know I can do it all without you but I want to let you take care of me.” And actually lets me. No questions asked and no judgement given. And I get to breathe. So what’s wrong with me??? Nothing. I am a beauty, something hard to find and something worthy. Someone who is a badass and someone who is kind and caring. And he lets me be all of that no demands given. And furthermore acknowledged. That’s a big important word right there. Acknowledged. He gives me the credit that I am all those things and that it’s okay to want to let go and relax. And he does so consistently. I got so worried about not knowing how he felt about it that it put me in a really really dark subdrop space for a day. And then he told me to come over and all he did that entire night was hold me. And not like the spooning cuddles but the actual head on his chest with his arms wrapped tightly around me holding. No kisses no sex just holding me. He let me relax and let go of the fears that I’ve been fighting with since we met. And it was wonderful. A breath of fresh air is an understatement. It was more like a tidal wave hit and the calm set in. There was no pushing away, or telling me I was being annoying or that I was being a brat. It was calm, quiet, safe. What if this is something real? I mean emotionally, I haven’t been able to give my all to him, it’s only been a few months so of course I have my worries and my doubts. But at the end of the day, he’s there. Every day he texts me. Every day he puts me at ease. Every day since the day I met him I’ve been able to get some air and actually let go of the breath I’ve been holding in for so long. So let me tell you about the title of this post. The inside joke is that the Wrestler has a t shirt he uses for his wrestling gimmick that literally says “bearded for her pleasure.” And well I know absolutely NOTHING about pro wrestling. But recently I got to go to one of his matches (finally πŸ™ŒπŸΌ) and the gimmick one uses is who defines them in the wrestling world. It makes sense, actors are known for their specific acting skills, musicians and artist are known for their specific gimmicks. What makes them stand out. So anywho, I went to the match, and saw his alter ego come out and it was amazing. It’s literally surreal. And it was so nice to see him in his element. It was even nicer being shown off to his friends and fellow wrestlers as His. So when he asked me to go to his next match, I suggested, I’m gonna make a t shirt to fan girl for my Wrestler. And what do you know we came up with the perfect slogan for my fan tee. Bearded for my pleasure. Because it’s nice to be wanted. It’s nice to show support and know that it is acknowledged and furthermore that I belong in his world and to be owned. So yes, serving him is easy. I’m allowed to crave him and want his attention because he encourages it. I’m allowed to breathe and let go of my big girl duties. I’m allowed to want to be wanted and actually know that I am wanted. And that’s a beautiful thing. I still want to take it slow YES, but I can also be open to this amazing connection i have with him. So maybe bearded for her pleasure really just means, he’s there for my needs as well. That it’s okay for me to want him. Because he wants me back. Then today, my sweet Cinny Poo https://vanillawithatouchofcinnamon.wordpress.comSent me some much needed advice from some tarot readers. And all of them said the same exact thing. Which incidentally was exactly what I needed to hear. “It’s okay to let go of what and who was holding me back. And for me to be open to what may be to come. I do know this, he makes me feel like I am the only woman in his world right now, and that he wants me. Just me, and I can’t wait to see where we go.

The Wrestler

So a lot of my friends have been asking me recently if I’ve been in the dating scene lately after my breakup with Ches. Well it’s been a year since I last saw him and even longer since we broke up. I can’t really say that I’ll ever not be in love with that man but I also know that being together wasn’t healthy for either of us. Talking to him recently brought back lots of bittersweet mess between us but again, I can’t open that can of worms that I’ve so tried to close for so long. I love him but we are so much better for each other apart. And I’m finally getting to the point where I’m not in denial and can actually say that out loud without hurting myself. I won’t ever stop loving him. But as someone said to me a long time ago, you don’t have to be with them to love them if they’re bad for you. I can’t believe that it’s relevant to our relationship but it’s true. Ches will never be someone I will ever not look fondly upon. So dating… let’s see here… I guess the only way to explain it is to quote my favorite pixie. You gotta have some “faith trust and pixie dust” and let me tell you, it’s really put me in a very odd spot this year. I’m not going to lie and say I have really enjoyed the dating scene. Because the fact is, it’s been exhausting and downright painful and not in the “chocolate” sense either. I’m 29 years old this year and all I have learned about the dating scene is how much I HATE this hit it and quit it world we’ve become. I’ve started dating guys closer to my age for purposes that you know… may fit into what needs I have. But honestly it’s really put a really odd view of men in my book. I’m not sure why I feel the need to tell everyone about my dating life but seeing as it’s 4 am and I can’t sleep I guess you’ll have to bear with me. First there was the Turkish delight who showed me how much fun high sex was and how much I really didn’t have a good reality on my dating situation. He needed someone who was emotionally available and well, I wasn’t. And that was unfair to him because he was probably one of the sweetest guys I will ever know in my lifetime. But seriously why did no one tell me how much fun high and sex go along together???? Later, there was the hot nerd. Who showed me that sex could be fucking amazing with a person your age. but totally bailed on me when things got real. I won’t say I didn’t enjoy the short time I had with him just because if I was honest with myself, he could have been a good contender. Then there was the high school cutie who showed me that time definitely does not do wonders for the soul. We went to high school together and reminiscing about the good ol days just made me feel awkward and well…when you spend as much time as I did trying to get to know a guy only to find out he’s nicely been trying to tell you he’s just not that into you, well you can see how that played out. I’m glad it wasn’t a long pursuit because it really showed me that I shouldn’t waste my time or effort for someone who doesn’t deserve how awesome I am. Then there was Bollywood. My Indian prince who secretly loves me but he’s too beautiful not to be a player. He’s actually been a really fun and engaging time. But alas I need more than a fuck buddy. And Bollywood…. would have just been a fuck buddy. I can’t help it though that he’s beautiful. Alas came the Wrestler,After months and months of dating Vanilla guys, I never realized how much I lost my little. Then me and my little swipe right bored as fuck routine (yes I really am that lame though I rarely ever would actually engage in conversation with those swipes) decided to swipe on this one dude a month or so ago. We had talked for a few weeks before we decided to actually meet. Our first date was pretty amazing I guess. He had me sold when he suggested coffee and walking around the town we both decided to meet in. There was live music and good random “tell me about yourself” conversation. What I wasn’t expecting was that number one… he brought up the interest in D/s before I did. We hadn’t had a conversation prior to meeting about D/s.And my little must have sneaked her ass out of her prison because the next words I hear are “if I had to guess what kind of person you are if you were in the kink world, you’d be a little through and through” My little: wtf dude did you do some amazing research on me??? Me: um….. My little: tell him tell him tell him Me: um… … I don’t know what you’re talking about… 😱My little: bitch please! We’ve been stuck in that damn prison for soooo damn long! (my little has a potty mouth because she needs discipline…badly)The Wrestler: I think you do know what I’m talking about. Because your blushing obviously shows that you know what a little is. And the fact that you know means you know what a Daddy is. My little: can we keep him pweese???😈Me: Actually, I identify as a middle. And I haven’t had a Daddy in a really long time. And honestly, my little side hasn’t come out for a really really long time. 😝😝My little: that’s right you little brat tell him how it is 😜😝😝😝At this point… it’s getting harder to breathe and I don’t really know where I’m going with this date. He was actually quite charming. And he didn’t actually push me about my little side. We talked about our families and our pasts and to be honest we have a lot in common. We sat on that park picnic table for hours talking about ourselves and what we were looking for. I was so surprised at how well we conversed. Especially for a guy who’s only like 6 years older than I am. (I know, that’s superficial, but I’ve met a lot of really non intelligent guys who didn’t make this list.) I was thrown for a loop when I went to the restroom and there he was waiting for me at our parked cars. He says to me The Wrestler: I’d like to try something if that’s okay with you. Me: ok sure… (trying to put on a brace face) My little: what’s he gonna do??? Omg what’s be gonna do??????The Wrestler: stand right here where I can see you. I’d like to try something I think you may be open to. And with that, I did as I was told expecting I was going to get the up down look. And trying to stand my ground should he be trying to get me to sleep with him on a first date. 😝Next thing I know his hand is wrapped in a firm grip on my hair pulling my face toward his, the other around my waist pulling me close to him.Holy shit I lost whatever strength I had in me the moment he seared me with that kiss. You know those kisses that make your knees buckle beneath you and the only thing holding you up is the guy who’s holding you close to him? I swear to god I haven’t had a kiss like that in over a freaking year. I was literally instantly taken over by the little. Like I literally haven’t been able to get into my little space in so long I had forgotten how good it felt to be in that kind of a position. I was literally drifting. What the hell just happened… Guess who just broke all her little chains and decided to come out to play!!!Quickly I had to tell myself stop!!! I didn’t want to ruin this “holy crap what just happened” moment. But I also didn’t want to get in over my head either. The funny thing was I was the one leaning in to keep kissing him when he pushed me off. The Wrestler: I don’t want to make you do anything you don’t want, we should slow down. My little: what did he say???? Omg tink I’m gonna die if you don’t keep him. Me: holy fudge what just happened? I’m sorry I didn’t mean to um… I’m um… I didn’t expect that….The Wrestler: Little girl you didn’t do anything wrong. But now you know where I stand. Me: *blush* The Wrestler: *Handsome beastly grin* Oh my… … …

It’s been a hell of a year

To all those people who still wait for my journals I’m sorry it’s been so long but today I felt I needed to write what my year back in Michigan has been like. Where do I begin? I guess let’s see, the first week I left Texas on my way to Michigan I spent it with Ches at his new place in Missouri. It meant a lot for me to see him and really did this crazy cross country trip with him when I picked him up in Dallas. πŸ˜‚ you never realize how much of a monster you become when you’ve been awake for over 24 hours and of those 24+ hours you’ve driven like 20 of them. So yes my very very irritated and tired monster came out and well, I hope to never have to do that again. Upon arriving in Missouri at the very early sun rising hours, I almost died down a mountain with too many 90 degree sharp turns going downhill and towing a trailer (yes I totally still had my tiny shitty Honda Accord at this time so imagine how much fun that was πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™€οΈ) But when we finally got to Ches’ place I was sooo ready to sleep for a week. Spending that week with Ches taught me a lot about our relationship and why it was a good thing that we broke up. I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving him because to be honest, my heart was always his the moment I met him. But like I said, it taught me a lot. Like that I am a very very sexually frustrated middle. Intimacy for me includes sex, doesn’t have to be rough kinky sex, it’s just sex. It’s feeling a body with mine that craves the touch of another person. Especially a person you LOVE. It’s knowing a kiss in the tiny little favorite spots makes you breathe a little harder and makes you wince in pleasure. I get it, my hormones are insane being in my late twenties and well, when you haven’t seen your boyfriend in a really long time you’d hope he’d feel the same way… well we didn’t. And intimacy is very important to me seeing as all my other failed relationships previous to Ches lacked intimacy and sex to a hurtful degree. So being in a position where I didn’t understand (I still don’t) why there wasn’t any sort of effort to even try to be intimate with each other after not seeing each other for so long and actually spending a week with each other… you guys know a little like me would go insane. But it wasn’t just the sex, or lack of rather, it was not knowing why. It was the feelings of “am I not enough? Am I unattractive to him in that way? Is there something wrong with me? Is he seeing someone else?” Feelings that tore my heart to shreds that week. Even when I showered or dressed or undressed or flaunted my flirty self at him trying to engage him it didn’t do anything. So now I was left with nothing to really gauge upon except that the intimacy between us was no longer there. I left with the most empty feeling of love lost in a moments time leaving him. There are days where I still wonder what would have happened if I had stayed? Would he still be the Ches I know? Would our relationship have gotten better?? Or would I still be aching to be loved and wanted by the man I wanted to be loved and cherished by for so long. I realized that our love languages were speaking in different languages and I don’t know his dialect. So I went home, because there, I was needed. Driving back to Michigan with my dog and the trailer after a week of pure confusion was a much needed ten hour trip. Two of those hours were in tears and sad breakup music (yes I am that clichΓ©) the other 8 were terrifying as I was hitting the Midwest drivers who hate slow cars. My poor Bertie butt was sick to his tummy of motion sickness and hated me for bringing him on a long long drive. On three different occasions at random rest stops I couldn’t get him back in the car 🀣. I’m surprised I didn’t have dog puke all over the car. Finally we made it to Michigan and for the first time in a long time, I’ll have a home where I am safe and needed. I came home for my grandma, I love my family but if I’m being completely honest with myself, I came home to fulfill my promise to her. Which I did, I fulfilled that promise that I was going to take care of her. Love and comfort her the way she’s always done for me. Losing her in December still breaks my heart every time I think about her. Now that she’s gone, I don’t really feel like this is my home anymore. I want to say that coming home really made my relationship with my mom closer but I think we will never get to a place where we are truly and happily okay with each other. For one thing I absolutely hate her husband. And my mom hasn’t changed. Sure I’ve forgiven her for all the crap she put me through in my childhood. But that doesn’t mean I’ll ever be able to forget the endless beatings or the diminishing attitude, the hateful pettiness or the emotional abuse I endured. I chose not to forget because I know it has made me into a stronger person. She hasn’t changed much, she’s still the selfish bratty mom she always was (though now I know where I get my brat streak from) I’ve given up on any relationship with my parents. These days I’m just a person who lives here stuck here till I can afford my own place and get the hell out of here. I still get guilt tripped into taking care of all her needs before she even considers what her actions do to her kids. So yeah, nothing’s changed. We’re just older now, and I’m no longer not standing up for myself. What else has happened this year?? Oh yeah, after my grandma passed I got a new job. I now work as a certified nurse assistant in a very well organized and truly great nursing home. Those residents are my pride and joy. I love the nurses I work with and they all encourage me to finish nursing school since I basically know how to do their jobs as it is ❀️. Work has been a physically grueling but truly happy place for me. I love them they keep me going. Relationships have also taken a turn for this girl, my old friendships with the friends I have here in Michigan have basically diminished into having too little time to put in effort into seeing each other. And my Texas friends are the ones who call me most every day. Also, I’ve kind of been distanced (not intentionally) from all my little friends. We kind of just grew apart having been a very long year for all of us. I still love you Cinny Poo, Selina kitty, and my favorite angel! You guys are still so much for me. Your love and encouragement still holds such a deep part of my heart! I have however gained a really important relationship with my sister in law who’s really become my rock this year and one of my best friends. What about non friendship relationships? You ask? Well let me sum it up in one sentence. “Dating in this age sucks!” I have literally gone on tons and tons of first dates this year. And well… don’t really go beyond that first date. So many people around my age group are too into the swinger/hit it and quit it lifestyle so I don’t go beyond dinner most of the time. Even guys who eventually got further than dinner didn’t stay long. So I’m kind of just waiting for my eggs to shrivel up and start my cat collection. I’ve already gotten that crazy part down πŸ™‚ but cheers to trying new things out…I’m finding myself attracted to different types of guys which I’m proud to admit has been fun. Exhausting don’t get me wrong but fun meeting people from all walks in life. And well, I’m a single girl in my late twenties with no kids, I can be responsible and still have fun right? Currently I am talking to new Dom material let’s call him the wrestler. We’ve only been seeing each other for like two weeks but he’s been pretty cool. He’s got a very firm grip if you catch my drift πŸ˜‰. You don’t realize how much you miss your little side till someone grabs you by the hair pulls you to his lips and whispers “good girl” 🀀 so yeah I’m not sure what will happen if anything will even happen with us but he’s been fun to hang out with this fortnight. If it becomes a thing, I’ll let you guys know why we call him the wrestler πŸ˜‰. So then this happens this week… Ches has put a bid for a new estate, and his mom basically implies how great the guest house would make a bakery for a b&b. He is basically buying our dream. What do you do with that??? ……to be continued at a later time when more events have occurred ☺️

Loss

It’s almost one in the morning and tears fall down my face having felt the weight of loss. Loss for someone you depended on for so long to keep you sane, loss for friendships you always knew you needed in your life, loss for people who have come and gone in my life.

A few months ago I wrote a blog about loneliness, and the thing is, I haven’t come out of this depression that has built up in my life. I lost my best friend in my entire world and nothing in this lifetime will ever be able to fill the hole she left behind. I wake up every day go downstairs and look in her bedroom half expecting she’s still there calling my name and telling me today…”mela, lus nyob rau kuv.”(come sit with me) or waking up to hear her talk to me about my past and how much I have changed and still have not changed. My mom recorded her video to me and even in her fragile state, all she left behind for me to do was to love my family as I had always done.

Last week we laid her to rest next to my grandpa and I couldn’t hold it together having spent so much time working that weekend I almost didn’t get a chance to say my farewells. Everyone came to try to console me but the truth is, a huge piece of my heart is missing. And even before she departed this world, so much of my heart was already torn.

She isn’t the only person I lost in 2017. I lost the one man I thought would be the love of my life. People say that distance makes the heart grow fonder. Well those people obviously don’t know what the hell they’re talking about because all it ever did for me was show me how my love wasn’t enough to be wanted. I’m still mourning that breakup. I think it’s because in the back of my mind I will always always love that man. Even though he was never ready in his own heart to take on what was a real relationship that could have been a healthy one. I see his mom and his sisters post on my posts and I’m constantly reminded of how much love I had for him and his family. But the truth is, I need to be loved and to not be shown love is not being loved at all. Words can only go so far when it comes to love. And love lost, makes it harder to keep the kindle in your heart sparkling.

Loss is also something I’m dealing with on a personal basis. I’m literally losing my mind. My every day is a step I don’t want to make, a conversation I don’t want to speak about, another argument about something stupid or another feeling of “when will the hell im living in come to an end.”

I saw my mom go into a panic attack the other day from all this built up stress about all the things going on in our lives and all I could think about was how much there was nothing I could do to ease her pain. How do you live with that when you can’t even keep your own self from turning into a frenzied state of emotional explosion?

I keep looking for the light in this and I can’t find it anywhere. My days have no spark to them. My heart doesn’t stir for anything anymore. I’ve become cold and empty even pain has become numb. I keep trying to find the surface of the tense waters and getting sucked down deeper into the person I thought was better. But now, I have nothing to look forward to anymore.