Close your eyes for a moment and imagine yourself in a dark quiet room. Open your ears and you’ll hear the whisper of the wind, the soft cries of the voices that haunt your innermost thoughts, the emptiness that becomes so loud in the silence. 

This is how I’ve been feeling these past few months. I guess it really started last year. There was a tugging on my heart that just knew.. knew I wasn’t in the right place within myself anymore. My strong tower fell up on itself and I had to piece it back together. 

I failed out of school, broke up with Ches (which is still really complicated.) moved out of Texas and came home. 

Honestly, being home is the only thing keeping me going these days. I sit and talk to my grandma and appreciate every second I have with her. She brings peace to my fear and hope to my heart because she has so much love and support for me. I sit with my mom these days and surprisingly have wonderful conversations about how I’m doing. My brothers and I will enjoy endless reckless shenanigans together like playing football with teenagers (I have scars to prove my badassery) and my nieces…. they are my favorite things on earth right now. I’ll go to the craft store with my sister in law and be completely awed with how wonderful my nieces are. 

But even when you’re in a room full of people, you can feel alone. I was talking to my friend darling about how much of my time has been spent alone. For most of the past decade I’ve been alone. Alone to to the things I wanted to do, alone to be the one who took care of the meaningless things that needed to be done, alone to take the struggle and the hardships I had to go through and build it into something stronger. Even when i stayed with Ches for a week I was alone. That’s the worst part. Is feeling alone when you’re with someone you are supposed to feel whole with. 

The aloness seems to heighten when you have to be at your strongest. It’s like no matter what, people are relying on you to be the better person or do the right thing. It makes you the person who stands out and isolates you from the whole. It does make you stronger. But that doesn’t mean it makes you feel less alone. 

I guess I’ve gotten so used to this feeling that it just makes me feel numb now. Numb to everything around me. 

But don’t take this the wrong way. I am comfortable being alone. It’s made me stronger and more open to the things around me. It’s shown me that I am comfortable in my own skin and my own person as a whole. It’s given me an opportunity to grow into the person I am. It’s a force to be reckoned with. And it’s made me not want to settle for less than I am worth. But you know there are days where it’s exhausting having to be the strong one. 

Open your eyes today. Find someone you care about and tell them they aren’t alone. Because sometimes, we don’t say it enough. And there are those who really need to hear it. 


Trying to find peace within the crazy. 

Today I was on fet reading my past about me sections…. and i remember when I wrote this a few weeks ago. It’s bitter but honest and tonight/this morning I’m feeling it more than ever…. I’ve become so lost lately. Wondering if I will ever reach the air. I’m trying to find what made me strong to begin with. But tonight, I leave this here. Because the night I wrote it, I was torn. I’m still torn… and I guess I just needed to share. 

Ive come to the conclusion that growth can hurt sometimes. But in order to grow, sometimes you need to look beyond the hurt and the pain and take each moment for what it is worth and work with it and move on. I’m not the sassy girl I used to be. I’m broken, torn, glued together by the workings of my life that I can muster up, and I’ve come out of it before. I am tenacious and willing for the right reasons and the best friend that you could have if you let me. But I am also a person who needs to be needed. I know who I am and I’m not willing to settle for less than I am worth. Not anymore. 

Don’t fucking have a little if you won’t take the damn responsibility. 

**warning… this post will probably annoy the shit out of you and I withhold my filter today. So if you don’t like it…. fuck off**
I’ve gotten to a point this year where I’m really to fall off the wagon into the river, drift into the crashing rapids, and slowly sink to the bottom of the deep dark place that the sediment falls into. It hurts me to have to write this. But damn it I’m fucking tired. I’m fed up with not being enough.

This school quarter is kicking me right in the vagina!! Not only am I two points shy of failing my pharmacology class but yesterday, I totally fucked up and I lost my confidence in myself over a simple procedure. Anyone who knows nurses knows that the first thing you do when you walk into that patient’s room is you show confidence so that the patient doesn’t worry. Well I fucked up at  the med cart which i fixed there, but my confidence at the bedside totally fucked me over. And the instructor will probably never have faith in me again. Which is sad because previous to that, she just told me and my classmate that we were doing good and she felt confident in our care. Well fuck you life for making me jinx it all by my damn self. 

This isn’t about that. 

My best friend Selina Kyle suggested to me to write out my feelings today because obviously speaking isn’t helping. So I’m taking her advice and doing so.

I’m feeling neglected these days. Yes I do know that I love thousands of miles away from everyone in the entire world. Yes I understand that there are more important things than my little meltdowns. And yes I understand  that I just need to grow up about it and move on. I have my own pair of cajones thank you. I can take care of myself and have been doing so my entire Fucking life. Because I have learned that relying on other people is to rely on the fact that not only will they disappoint you in the end but you will disappoint yourself for having too much faith in people who don’t give a fuck about you. My parents for example… my entire life had been devoted to making them proud till the one time I fall and they  don’t even care to want to offer me any help in any freaking situation. I’m getting to the point bare with me…. 

when it comes to little’s, in my case middles, whatever the fuck you want us to call it. Stop right there and back the fuck off unless you are ready to handle what it entails. 

The first time a girl gives up her walls and calls you Daddy… unless you are comfortable with that title and what it means, tell her to stop and don’t give her any fucking hope. Because that moment that you did so, she gave you the biggest thing she could ever offer up to you. Herself. Broken and glued back together again with the paste of what is her life her past and her hope for the future. If you allow it and take it for all that it is worth and understand that, great. If not but you let her anyway…. you’re an asshole because you have her hope and she needed you to let her. But you aren’t willing to make it worth your while to care for her most precious gift and that makes you an asshole. 

Don’t fucking lie to her about how much you love her if you aren’t willing to show it to her. I’m not talking about gifts and material love. I’m talking about the “I love you” “I want you” “I need you” love. The way you go out of your way to make someone know you love them. Even with simple shit like words. 

If she ever says she needs you or that she misses you. That’s a god damn gift asshole. This girl does it all by her damn self and more. But the fact that she wants you of all things… she thinks you are worthy of being wanted. She needs you because she knows no one else will make her feel the way you do. Because you matter to her more than anyone else. 

Please for the love of all that is good stop making her wait for you to step up. She already gave you the power to do what ever with her. You are her priority. Make sure you’re willing and care enough to make her yours. 

If not, for goodness sakes talk to her and let her go. If you aren’t willing to be that for her, stop hurting her by making her feel like  it’s all okay when you already know you don’t want the precious gift she has to give you. Remember you didn’t choose her. She fucking thought you were the world and chose you. Even though time and again she couldn’t rely on anyone. She thought you were worth it. Be worth it damn it! 

The ball is in your court Make sure You’re willing to get in the game or get the fuck out. She’s waisted enough time feeling unworthy and unwanted. 

It’s not hard to love her so love her. It’s not rocket science. If it’s not worth your time. Let her go because in the end. You’re hurting her more by just ignoring her or letting her down because you won’t step up. Ruin her lipstick damn it. She’s fucking tired of buying mascara! 

By the way. If she’s being a brat. Figure that shit out. Why is she being a brat? Because somewhere she is feeling icky with herself and she needs that stability. Your fucking so called sterness… is bullshit and she sees right through it. Take care of it. If you don’t want to because it’s too much for you, get the fuck out. 

Three days

Three days 

Missing the sounds of your voice 

Missing the love that I felt

Missing the safety of your love 

The embrace of your arms
Three days

The silence in my heart

The rage in my mind

The torture of wanting 

The pain from my own doing

Where have you gone
Three days

Missing the warmth of your laughter

Missing the temptation of your demeanor

Missing the longing of your presence

How long will this last
Three days

And I am come to a sadness

A hurt and a longing

Not knowing where to belong
Three days

My days have been torture

Come back to me

Show me you see it

Give me hope where my heart falters

Happy birthday to my favorite Angel! 

I only just got home so I’m late in writing this. 

Today was the birthday of my very favorite Angel! Her love for sock monkeys, a good sewing session, and music that she performs (a literal gift from God) is only a small part of her amazingness. 

These past few years Angel has been like a protective mother bear for me. Kind, warm, loving, encouraging, and mostly, by making sure I look at the path I am taking and not taking shit for it. She’s been the one who told me if she could do it I sure as hell can do it. She’s the one who says  “I will be there every time you need me” when I fall into the craziness of my life. And I could not ask more in a beautiful friend! 

I hope you get the spanking of a lifetime, I hope you get pinned down and pulled to your knees in submission. I hope you get as many kisses as your heart desires and a big red ass! 😈 I hope you have the best of birthdays! 

I love you hunny Bun! Happy birthday! 

…ill tell you a secret, all the best people are!

Today I watched the new  Alice through the looking glass movie and I was intrigued by something pretty amazing. Alice and the Hatter have an amazing relationship where one longs for the others companionship. A good and true friendship that time nor distance between this world or that world could ever Tear them apart. 

Then I got on fetlife and re read one of my posts I posted about a year ago. It was called “I’ve been waiting for you my whole life”
And it reinstated my love for my Ches. His name isn’t actually Ches… Which a lot of people don’t get. But Alice is actually how I started to adore Him. He has this beguiling Cheshire smile. And to this day, it still gives me butterflies when he gives it to me. Ever since then, he’s always been my Ches. 

Speaking of smiles… (Sorry random rant) my first ever huge crush told me something I will never forget he said “never frown, you never know who may be falling in love with your smile.” He said that to me as I was sitting by the lake at summer camp crying because I won second place in the solo competition. I was thirteen…depressed and this is how I got to become friends with him. Funny how that works doesn’t it??? 

Anyways where was I? Cheshire smiles that make your heart melt. Ches has that kind of smile. It’s hidden. Mysterious. Devious and devlishly handsome. One of those smiles that would make your heart skip and swoon. But behind that is warmth, strength, courage beyond words. It makes me so proud to know I am His. To see where we’ve come since we met almost two years ago. To see where we may be headed. I still love him like an endless teenage longing. 

He’s been more of a friend to me when I’m scared of failing, my encourager, my steady beat than any man who’s ever come into my life. He takes me as I am. He “gets” my madness my ever increasing brattiness and gives me calm when I’m freaking out. Hell he’s even patient with me as he try’s to teach me med math! 😂 which by the way… Dimensional analysis is bull. Lol 

But… In all the good things. Of course there’s no perfection. Perfection is unobtainable and should stay that way. Sure he could show me more of that dominance more often… Put me over his knee more… Put me in my place when I’m being a great big brat. But when you’re a thousand miles apart that’s hard to do and it must be exhausting sometimes. Please understand…I am not complaining. I’m merely pointing out that I’m a little who needs lots and lots and lots of stern discipline. Because if I don’t get it. I become a brat and it makes me have a hard time breathing. And I know all you littles understand what I mean when I say I need to breathe.

I truly am a lucky girl. I drive him insane but he chose me. He drives me nuts but I love it. I’m “mad” for the love it feel from him and for him. It’s fascinating. How much love you can find in someone who just feels like it is meant to be. 

An update on our DD/lg… He read me a legit bed time story the other night. Then he sang to me the Adorkable songs we love and fell in love through. He’s my Ches/Hatter to my Alice, my Beast to my Belle. My Joker to my Harley, My hook to my tink. My Daddy. And I am the luckiest girl in the world. 😊

Things haven’t been little in a long time

I think I’ve gotten to the point in my life and my relationships that have become vanilla. I haven’t even felt the rush of excitement about empty threats from naughty behavior like I used to. I think at this point. It’s just not there anymore. Or if it is even there, it’s been hiding under a heap of craziness that I just don’t care to unload. I love having friends like Selena who send me snarky adorable texts in the morning. Or Cinny poos super adorable pics. I love Samara’s tinder date fiascos. And I love being in love with Ches. But my little is hiding somewhere. She hasn’t been there for me lately. 

This constant ache that I need to have some sort of control in my life has been lacking. I find myself just not caring and feeling bad that I fight it. The pilot texted me a few days ago saying that he hoped I was receiving that control and I laughed. Because it’s not present. Because even when it is, I push it away like it’s not even there. I think it’s because I don’t see it anymore. I think that’s the worst part. Is knowing it’s not there anymore. I know she wants to come out and just chill. But I also know I can’t let her out and she has no good reason to come out. 

It’s been a hard few months. I’m constantly battling myself. Going insane over my job, not getting enough breathing time in between school and study and work. Constantly daydreaming about a year from now when I graduate so I can go home.

Nothing seems to pacify this need I have for it. Nothing will quench the thirst or the hunger I have inside. 

Someone clap for peets sake! this fairy seems to flitter on the brink of death! 

I can’t find my little. She’s somewhere where the sun hasn’t shown for a really long time and it’s got me off my much much much needed balance. 

Lately… I think honestly I’ve just been working too hard and too much to be able to find my center. I finally left Tulsa in April and moved back here to San Antonio for school (which starts in July.) but since then, I’ve been really off.

I know as far as my relationships go, my dad and I don’t talk at all now. He didn’t even call me on my birthday or when I got into my accident… My mom has been pretty attentive. She and I had a falling out and then a tearful get back to terms moment. I think honestly she just needs me home. And lately… I just want to go home. 

You know when you go somewhere new or even old in this case but you just feel like you don’t belong??? I’ve been homesick like crazy since I got here. It didn’t help that Ches didn’t come with me. I understand though. We both have a lot we need to take care of. It also didn’t help that everything seemed to fall to pieces when I got here. 

My heart keeps yearning for that comfort and peace but I haven’t been able to find it here. Instead, big girl has been taking the reigns and little girl is hiding. 

I broke down a few days ago and even had like a seven hour breakup with Ches. Which tore me to pieces. Only to realize like I do every day…. My heart is His. He owns it completely. And though I can totally handle this thing called life on my own, I can’t imagine a single second I don’t want him in my life. I woke up that next morning thinking how much I wanted to tell him how much I loved him and realized I didn’t want to spend a second more mad at him. People aren’t perfect. We make mistakes and we aren’t always on our game. And I sure as hell am no where near perfect. So I shouldn’t expect my Daddy to be perfect. He’s wonderful. But His imperfections add to the reason why I love Him. It’s funny how angry you can get when you don’t realize how much someone cares for you so your stubborn attitude takes over and you freak out. Yep that’s what I did… And yep I cried like a baby in the middle of Walmart because my brat couldn’t shut up. I really don’t like big girl. She’s a bitch. And it always seems that she needs to always be put in her place to calm the heck down. She’s draining. 

Every day seems to be getting longer and longer. And not in the way I mean like the daylight. Like I go and do my thingS at work. Come home and I’m exhausted being an adult. Even bath time seems to have to be scheduled now. 

I need a spanking. I need to find my little girl. I need a moment to breathe. I need to have that headspace to make me feel safe and calm. 

Somewhere… Sometime it’ll happen right??? 

Throughout all of this, poor Ches has been put through the ringer with me. Big girl is a bitch who doesn’t take shit from anyone when she’s defensive. I don’t know why he puts up with me. But I’m glad he does. Maybe that’s what love is. Loving and accepting people for them just being them. Embracing the calm they instill into your heart. Finding that warm safety in the embrace of their arms. My mom taught me only one good lesson that really speaks to ne.

Hold on. Take a step back. Breathe. Have a little faith trust and pixie dust.