It’s been four years. Four years since I had to let you go. But really I don’t think I ever did. Because it’s also been four years since we found something that I never thought I’d be able to find again in a person. Truly, the unconditional connection you find in someone who calls to your soul.
It was heartbreaking when I finally said goodbye. That last time that you held me after we made real love for the last and final time. I still think about that day. When you held me and didn’t let go and you just stood there in my room unable to say goodbye. This aching we had for each other that neither of us could ever explain. You told me you’d let me go. That you’d release me. But I guess we both know that words aren’t like our actions. Because even in those four years we still had each other. It was never really goodbye but I’ll see you soon.
I remember that first date I had after you. It was one of those guys who just knew I was some sort of special when you introduced me to him. He tried his best just to be a friend and let me ease into it. To this day he still defends me and refuses to give you the time of day because he knows you lost me. Because your ego decided that the more exciting option was better than the one who truly loved you. I think what was worst because he knew without a doubt (and still does as hard as he tries) that in my heart, I’ve already always belonged to you. He still checks in every once in a while to see if that’s changed or not. But I think he knows it never will.
What about that time I got excited again that I might finally have a daddy. Do you remember me telling you how much you would have liked him when you helped me pick out my dresses? You were always good at letting me know what looked good on me. Who knew that a year later he’d break my heart even further than I ever would have expected. You were there for me then too. There I was in Florida crying my soul out to you and all you said was. “That I was one of the best girls how could he break my heart like that when I didn’t do anything wrong.” You even offered to fly me home and checked in on me all week just to make sure I was ok.
How many times did we giggle together when we found fakes and laughed at them together. Our endless journeys of trying to find the right fit but knowing full well no one would have matched the kind of fun we used to have. Or the hours and hours of reminiscing about all our good times we had forgetting that we even had any bad times at all. How many hours you could get me on the phone and just be me and relax as we teased each other about what we liked and didn’t like or how much we hate this vanilla world. Or at least if we’re meant to be in this vanilla world we hoped we would find someone like each other to enjoy it with.
I remember telling you the first time I caught feelings again for another person. It was like the first time I had been touched enough to feel another soul in my presence since you. But he was too vanilla and I didn’t have the heart to train him so there wasn’t much luck. But you still told me to keep an open mind. And we both marveled that I could finally feel something for another when we had so much between us. But like all things that had ended and there I was back to square one. And all you could tell me was that he missed a chance of a lifetime.
I remember you calling me to tell me you had moved. But that you hated it. That you hadn’t been that unhappy for such a long time. But we were both glad I finally settled into my own place. And we laughed at how much we had grown up over the years. Having to be adults and do hard things. I told you how happy I was that I finally got to have my own home after so long and that it would always be a safe space. And you told me you always knew I was going to be fine and how happy you were for me. You even let me know that even though green wasn’t your color of choice, that it made sense I would pick it because you knew I loved tinkerbell. And then we giggled at how much you remembered the little parts of me.
Years went by where we weren’t together but we were never apart. You were there to make me smile every time I had my heart broken. We sat there telling each other about our lives like two people who could just relax in each other’s presence. You shared with me the quirks of your daughter who I missed so much and all you ever could say afterwards was she missed me so much too. That you both did. And then we’d joke about me coming up there and rescuing you. These are the times I miss the most.
When you called me up that frozen February day to tell me you were done finally and that you wanted me to come say hi once in a while I couldn’t wait to see you guys. I told you of course I would be there to help you get out of your funk that I’d be there for you the way you always are for me. But that I wouldn’t let you charm your way back into my life because I had done so much growing these last few years. There I was standing at your door nervous because I knew I had to lock my heart up because it wouldn’t be able to take being broken again by you. You let me greet that beautiful girl who’s growing up to be such a beautiful woman first before you’d greet me. She and I just stood there holding each other you looking at us like we were crazy. I will never forget the unconditional love I felt that day when we met or that day when she was back in my arms. I loved her then and I still do now.
I love that we ganged up on you like you knew we would teasing you that you had grown so grumpy. And just needed to chillax. And let us have fun. And then you and I went out together to catch up and tell each other what was happening in our lives.
There we were in that grocery store. Something so innocent and regular but we were like kids exploring a new adventure. Me pushing the cart while you shopped and did big stuff while I followed like your own little pet. You told me about stuff you couldn’t live without and made suggestions about what tasted great and new tips and tricks you had learned cooking. We searched through an endless isle of light bulbs looking for the perfect one. And you stepped so close to me I thought you could hear my heart racing. This endless ache I’ve always had for you and this moment with just the two of us, our pure souls coming out to play. I broke the tension by knocking you off the cart that was my job. To listen while you led. And doing so in my teasing bratty nature you stopped me. Pulled my hair in the middle of that isle just like that first time you kissed me and ignited this hunger between us. The most natural insatiable feeling we always seemed to love about each other. That no matter what hurt or time or distance between us, there was never any doubt about the fire we had when we came together. It was us again. Like we never missed a beat. It wasn’t until we got back home when I started realizing how much I missed this. There we were in your car. Just like the endless hours we spent in our lifetime together in your car talking and teasing and just being silly together. My little side coming out to tease you that how could you buy two bottles of water and not share one with me as I was freezing my ass off. I begged you to let me come inside where it was warm because I swear to god my breasts were about to freeze off. And you teasingly went to grab them to warm them up and I brushed your hand aside challenging you. That you weren’t my daddy anymore it wasn’t yours to play with.
Maybe that’s what sparked it. Because next thing I know we’re in your room ripping clothes off each other this tension of hurt and yearning and wanting each other like we would die if we hadn’t tasted each other again. The strength of your kisses searing into me my hands blazing through your skin like fire. This undeniable connection of passion we always had for each other. It was still there. It ached so deep inside my soul I started crying like I am right now. Having to remember that you once broke me. That you chose to let me go. That you didn’t come back for me because you realized how much of a mistake you made in losing me. I couldn’t go on. I wanted you. I knew you wanted me too and I just kept crying because I knew you could break me again. And I was so scared that you’d do it again. There I was crying these deep anguishing tears falling down my face in the years of abandon we created from each other feeling guilty that I still loved who I was when I am with you. That it was my favorite part of me and I couldn’t let it out because only you bring it out in me. And that I couldn’t lose her again. I just sat there crying. My heart breaking little by little at the love we have always shared between us that we both deny each other. You just held me saying you were so sorry. That you begged for forgiveness for not realizing how much you had lost.
I was so mad at you. How could you deny me the only love I ever asked for. For that pure honest love we both share for each other. The kind that time doesn’t exist for. The love I share for your daughter who has to grow up by herself because I wasn’t able to be there to show her just how beautiful she is. The love between us that healed our hurt whenever we were together. I was mad at myself. I had grown from this. I was letting my ancestors down the women who raised me to be strong. And I had become so much stronger since you. The emotions of love lost overwhelmed me. I couldn’t even speak. I just cried and cried because I knew there was no denying it. I loved you. I love you still. My soul calls your name in my every waking moment and I heard it from yours too. I heard you beg for my forgiveness as we stood in that shower together to wash away my tears and calm me down. While you held me and just let me cry into your arms. No words were spoken out loud. Our souls had a whole conversation as loud as as if we were talking my heart telling you I still loved you and that I forgave you. Your own tears matching mine when I finally said it out loud. Because we both knew we loved each other. That for the first time this was the love one soul finds in another and we both had it together. I felt your skin melt into mine as I held you because as my fingers ran down your body when my heart told you I loved you, you replied how much you loved me back. And we just stood there. Holding each other. Our physical bodies even in the failing heat of the shower just engrossed into each other. Like it wasn’t even there. It was just you and I in our moment of pure unconditional love.
When we finally got out we were spent. I laid there on your side of the bed. Broken because I didn’t want to spend another minute of my life without you. Yearning for what we have and allowing myself to want it with every inch of my soul. Contemplating to myself with my back towards you on how I should deny myself because I knew you. I knew our past our hurt and the love we had for each other. But I didn’t want to waste another minute not being with you so I turned around to hold you it was like you could hear my heart calling for you because there it was between us, this longing to be wrapped up in each other. The flow of our bodies becoming one like we always had been. Where you didn’t know where I began and you ended. This carnal and raging spark between us that only grew into this bright starlight we were creating within us. We were in the type of harmony within ourselves that sang this beautiful melody with our bodies this song of love and fire we have between our two souls. And that’s when I heard the words twin flames. Yours and mine who are always calling to each other. After we were now physically spent we just held each other the rest of the night. You holding me tight to your body like you were afraid you’d break me but that if you let go you wouldn’t survive. Me holding you back assuring you I wasn’t going anywhere and that we could finally rest. Within each other. That we didn’t have to hurt anymore. That we would endure this soul song we had for each other together. Never again to steal ourselves away from one another.
The next morning, I woke up to calls from my best Friends, my mom, my cousin freaking out that they hadn’t heard from me since I had told them I was coming to see you guys. I could feel your gaze watching me as I would tell them that I had just had the most excruciating and beautiful night with you. Where our souls emerged into each other like it had always done but this time I was awake and saw just how beautiful it was. Assuring them that you had apologized and really meant it when you said you were so sorry you ever hurt me. I turned to see if you were sleeping you faking your slumber knowing full well I was going to tell my whole world. I snuck away to the bathroom trying to wrap my head around what had just happened between us. This intensity we had always had but never awoken together. I was in pure bliss. That you and I would never again choose to be apart. Because I heard it with my soul for the first time between the both of us. Not just myself.
You had to get ready for your show so I let you in while in the darkness of the bathroom then your friend came so that you both could get your stuff ready. And I stood there happy in my little space filled again with your love and your daughters love. This sweet fulfilling love I had missed so much. I helped you fix your bed and you gave me head pats like how you used to when you told me I was a good girl.
Then you left and I was there alone with your daughter. Cleaning your kitchen because I was nervous about if things had changed between us. She and I were there just talking about how much we had missed out of in our lives. How much she had grown. How much she missed you. Her favorite person who had become a shell of you since we parted. How much she missed a stable female in her life who she didn’t have to impress because the love for each other was already permanently etched into our hearts and would never change. I held her and told her I would always be there for her whether you and I were or not. Because I love her outside of you. The bond we have is so special. A girl who wanted the love of a mother. A mother who wanted to give it but had no child. This is our love for each other.
When you came back it seemed as if something had changed. Like you had forgotten what we just had between us. I heard in my heart that you were going to run away. And it broke me inside trying to figure out what had happened between then and now. It was like your ego woke you up and told you it wasn’t enough. So I gave you your space. I know how hard it was for me to have gone through what we had gone through so I gave you your time to contemplate.
When I was finally leaving you just held me tight taking longer than usual to say goodbye but also cold. Like you knew something but would deny it. So I just said goodbye. No promises were made. No explainations. I didn’t want to crowd you. I didn’t want to manipulate you into feeling something if you didn’t. It was like a light switch was turned the other way. You still held me tight. You kissed my forehead softly as you said goodbye. Making sure I would let you know when I got home from my two hour drive back.
It took you a few days to work up the courage to talk to me. By that point I was already hurting. Feeling stupid for letting this happen to me again. That I let you back into my life knowingly that you could hurt me again. I had made up so many scenarios in my head that I couldn’t imagine which was worse. That you didn’t love me. That my head made it all up, that what I felt that night wasn’t as real as these words I’m writing this very moment. When I finally got fed up and called you to ask why you had become cold towards me all you said was I cried. That I cried and you didn’t know what to do. Like we hadn’t spent this beautiful soul wrenching night wrapped up in each other’s inner selves. It broke me. How did we not have this together. You and I were right there experiencing this together. There was no way that your body would react to mine the way it did unless we had this experience together. It was like you had woken my soul but denied your own soul to awaken and chose your ego instead. It broke my heart that the love we pleaded for one another was crushed in that moment.
A week later your daughter called me out of the blue and wanted to hang out. I was glad to do so. I had already missed her so much and couldn’t wait to spend some time with her. She told me it was ok with you that I came over so I took that as you were ok with seeing me too. I should have known better and called you personally to ask before I showed up to your door. You were so mad at her. But really I think it was more that you were upset because I had caught you in a bad situation that you wanted to keep from me. We weren’t together. No promises were made. You had already denied my love over and over again. I was just there because I wanted to spend time with your daughter because she asked me to. I introduced myself to your guest anyway. I’m just your old friend. She was embarrassed but was sweet about it anyway. It did hurt me. It made me feel stupid for letting you charm your way back into my life like I had told myself I wouldn’t do again. But I wasn’t going to let her or your daughter feel that way. I’m not that kind of person though I could have been and made you regret ever hurting me and causing a scene. You told me to stay while you took your guest home. Your daughter and I talked. She missed her dad. She apologized over and over again for embarrassing me. But was so glad I was there. It hurt me having to hold back my tears. Because I needed to be there for her. She needed me. Even though you told me to stay. it was like I was so unwelcomed in your life all over again.
When you came back all hell broke loose. You both were upset at each other. Her trying to explain to you she called me because she needed me. Because you wouldn’t listen to her. You telling her how selfish she is and pissed off that she would pull this act. I kept telling you it was ok. That there was no bad blood between us. That I enjoyed my time with her because to be honest I did. She told me every thing she had held in her heart while you were gone.
She locked herself in her room and it was just you and I again. You didn’t have the balls to look at me. Which broke my heart. Because I knew you had only just realized how stupid this entire thing was. That you weren’t even mad at her but yourself. Because you knew what you were doing wasn’t just hurting her it was hurting you too. I told you the hard truth. She was losing the love for her dad. Her hero. And you were missing out on the beautiful girl she had grown to be. It hurts me still that you are both still hurting this way. All she has is you. All you truly have in this crazy world we live in is her. And both of you are so distant from another that you’ve lost yourselves in your sorrow. She gets that from you. She only knows how to go inside of herself to suppress her sadness and turns it into frustration because she’s scared you don’t love her anymore. That you’d rather just live your own life separate from her because that’s what your actions have proven to her lately. That breaks my heart. That you two are so distant from each other now. She’s no longer her dads biggest fan and it hurts me to see you both go through this.
It was time for me to go. All was said that needed to be said. I had been spent emotionally having been embarrassed myself for being dumb and coming anyway. You still insisted to walk me to my car. I made you promise me that you’d spend some time with her outside of your home. So that you could rekindle the bond between you two. That you wouldn’t waste more time before she stopped loving you at all. You said you would promise and that you were glad I came out anyway.
But as I gave you your hug goodbye, you wouldn’t let go of me. You just held on. Broken. I tried to hold back my tears knowing you were beating yourself up for putting me in this situation. You kept staring into my eyes making me turn my face from the hurt I had already endured. I kept telling you I had to leave. But you wouldn’t let go. You held me like you knew it would be the last time you’d ever hold me in your arms again. And I think I broke inside because we both knew you meant it. Because you knew this really would be the last time you’d hold me. You took me back inside scared that you wasted too much time. Told me you wanted me and I couldn’t help myself. I will Always want you. It hurts I think the most because I know this is who I am. That I will never stop wanting you. But you only ever showed me you wanted me back when you were being real with yourself. When you were present in you and your own feelings. Real feelings. Then you second guess yourself and let your ego take over because you’ve lost your own identity within yourself. God I wish you knew how loved and special we see you. That you’d allow yourself to be loved back. That you’d allow your ego to step aside and give yourself the chance to accept your love and allow yourself to love someone back. This is how I love you.
I just see you. I don’t pay attention to the gimmick or the gross overmasculine alpha dog side that you play at to feel like you’re worthy. You already are. I see you in the way you look at what you have in your life and you make the best of it. The way you only allow yourself to rest when you are safe. How hard you work and sacrifice your personal feelings to make sure everything else is taken care of. I love the way you truly love. The way you’d give your shirt off your back to your guys because they are the only comfort you have but also because you make an effort to be in their lives even if they don’t really know the other side of you. The side they don’t see who’s kind and generous, who’s moral and strong. Who doesn’t take shit from anyone because you’re busting your ass the only way you know how. But who also knows sometimes people are just who they are and it’s ok. I love when you are honest with yourself and joy actually comes out of you. This is the person I met five years ago who I fell in love with in the first place. The guy who’s kind of a closet nerd but also adventurous and loyal. The guy who’s brave enough to stand up to the bad people out there and not give a shit because he believes in the right things. I love him. The real you. The one you hide.
So much has happened to me these past few months apart from you again. Throughout the spring, I told you I loved you still. I was brave and wrote it all down. Showed you my truth. Stood up for myself and chose to show my truth to you rather than stroke your ego. When I came that last day. The day I came to say goodbye I meant it with every part of my soul. I was broken. I couldn’t keep loving you if you wouldn’t love yourself. Even though it means I lose you and her. I came with the intention of asking you to choose love to choose happiness to choose letting go of the world and being abundant in our love. To choose me. I had spent the night before shaken to the core fighting with myself feeling this energy of love between us that I either had to fight for or let go of for good. To stand up for myself or accept defeat and say goodbye for good.
There I was. Trembling at how this was going to go down. A box of the cookies I used to make for you and your friends, in the dress you chose for me, beautifully dolled up making my stand. And there they were. The karma you chose. The energy in a long list of energies you keep choosing because it boosts your ego.
And all I had the courage to say was “I came to say goodbye” your daughter saw me ran out gave me a huge hug and asked me why I was saying goodbye. And all I could do was hold back my tears hold her tell her how sorry I was and tell her i loved her and said goodbye. You didn’t even flinch. How easy was it for you to hear me say these words. It took everything in me. And you just sat there. This person I loved but who wasn’t the same man I loved anymore. Closed off in the ego. There was nothing in you. Just emptiness. I left and cried all the way home. Knowing I would never see you again. Broken again from my own doing.
It’s been almost half a year now. the longest I think I’ve gone silent to you since we met almost 6 years ago. There’s so much every day that I want to just call you up to tell you about what’s happened to me. Would you know that you sparked my spiritual awakening that night our souls sang to each other. Only to find out and confirm I truly do have a spiritual calling. Would you know that I almost died and the thought of dying without telling you I loved you again breaks me every day. Would you know that I sought out ego made a mistake and it became my own little miracle. Something you always told me to hope for is finally happening to me. The only thing I have left to say is I feel you. Every day as I wake and every night before I sleep. I feel your energy miss mine. I miss you and what we had even if I choose me every day. And that there isn’t a day that goes by that something happened in my life that I wish I could tell you and I can’t. I feel you, I see you in my dreams broken and calling to me. I cry sometimes missing you and the friendship we had. I love you. Every day. And most days, I miss the touch of your soul.
Faith Trust and Pixie Dust 