It’s another one of those nights like the many I’ve had this last year where I just can’t stop thinking about you. I’ve tried my best to move on to grow and fill my entire world with this and that and every time I get closer to where I want to be, the one factor that breaks my world apart every time is how much I miss having you in it.
The journey we had here in this realm would marvel the kind of love you see out there. Jealous of the pure sunshine it had always been between us. Not having you in this journey with me is like losing that light I loved about myself. That pure unadulterated love I got got to show of myself and who I was in your presence. And without you in it, it just doesn’t shine like it did.
The journey we have in the quiet, that place you and I always seem to meet up where our souls long for each other has always and still haunts me. Between the feeling of your soul crushingly aching for mine or the realms in between slumber that I meet you in. You’re never too far but always too far to be in my arms. In my energy. And when I meet you in these places, these quiet but intense dreams and realms we keep finding each other, it’s like our bond gets closer and yearns for each other but our physical selves find themselves further and further away. But this stranger we are to each other always finds it’s way back into each other like a flame that never wants to draw itself apart. And dissipate itself into the emptiness and darkness of nothing.
I think about you and my heart aches and my tears fall deep in my throat holding back the words I love you. But in my dreams and so many times in our lifetime together I see the ache in your eyes that haunt me wanting to reach out and never let me go… it’s like this infinity of coming back together and falling away from each other that never ends. I come closer and you step back. Or you come closer and I have to let go.
Just once. I wish you’d remember the ease it was to be in each other’s energy. How the world went silent around us and it was just you and I in this secret little bubble neither of us could let go of and afraid of losing at the same time. the way no matter who was there or what was around us the magnetism we had for each other never changed.
I know, and trust me I have tried with the might of all that karma has put me through, to let you go and move on with my life. I’ve tried finding myself in the best of myself, the beauty that I am inside and out, the pure joy I want to bring out into this world and at the end of every day, every day, it always ends with I love you.
My whole year I’ve had to work through trauma, loss, growth, fear, joy and peace without you. I’ve had to work through my karmatic journey alone so I can grow and be the Devine being I know I am. That person you unleashed. The person you awakened that night where our soul song sang our tune as one. Every day there’s something I want to bring to you, an experience, an embrace I love and long for in us. And having been without it, it just seems like my light is dimmed. That there’s a shade over it because without the clarity you make me see in myself I can’t seem to shine as brightly as I do when im with you. but I know you have yet to see your light for yourself and I give you the distance and patience you need so that you may grow. So that you can be the bright shining Devine Being I see in you.
I compare my journey to seeing color for the first time. Like the dull illusion that is this reality is nothing compared to the brilliance it is when our souls come together. The frequency of color and light and sound and peace that resonates between the two of our souls that comes together so beautifully that it confuses the outside of our little sanctuary. I’ve only felt this with you.
I’ve seen color. I’ve seen what my light is with other souls even the ones we have created ourselves and it’s just not the same. It’s great, don’t get me wrong but it’s not Devine. It has this other brilliance that shines in my heart in a whole different frequency. As equally powerful in a whole different way and when you bring that in with the entirety of what you and I have together, it becomes this myriad of color and light that no one could describe but everyone can feel.
Love. Pure unconditional love, is what these frequencies are. Real love. Not that drama, selfish, empty thing that the world tries to create. This is the brilliance we have when our souls are united. Even in the anger or frustration or heartache, it still outshines and resonates between us. And that is what I can’t let go of.
I have suffered so much loss in the years we’ve been in each other’s lives. Remember, when I first met you I had lost the love that helped me shine in the first place. And then you showed up and let me just shine through those darkest times. And I grew. Into the beautiful light I am. Because I had the confidence and love in myself to be vulnerable enough to show it to you. I was the best of myself in your presence. And that’s what made our love grow.
And this last year, I suffered loss again. Over and over and over again. That girl who fills my maternal heart up to a place it longs to exceed in, the love of a soulmate entwined in the legacy of each other, and you.
And without you, I’ve had to learn how to be strong again. But it’s at a loss. Because if I’m honest with myself, it just doesn’t shine as bright without you just being there.
I wait for you in the silence sometimes. And then sometimes when I least expect it, I feel you already there waiting for me too. This is something I’ve also never had with anyone else but you. It’s as real to me as the touch of your arms around me never letting go or the warmth that fills me up when I see you look at me.
I miss you. More than you deserve. More than I will ever admit out loud. More than every minute we have had together and now apart. And as I ache for you to return to me, I miss you harder.
Every day I fight myself and remind myself not to tell you. Because you need this time to grow. But God every day the only thing I ever want to tell you. Every single day. Is that I love you.
Faith Trust and Pixie Dust 