Saying goodbye to the Wrestler

First of all, I’d like to dedicate this post to Kipp Rude. You will never be forgotten. You showed me the kind of daddy/ little relationship I always wanted. And even though you broke things off with me, I’ll always appreciate you being there for me.

So yeah, the big recent news. The wrestler broke things off with me. And after our goodbye sexcipade, I totally have finally found an understanding with him that I’m probably overthinking because I was high as hell, but also because it was probably the MOST intimate and intense experience I have ever had with a Daddy. Especially a Daddy I loved. And loved being with.

The day I got the message that he wanted to end things with me, I was devastated. After months and months of being together and wanting him sooo bad to want me, he realized that what both of us wanted wasn’t the same. And it hurt a lot to know that I wanted more, I always had, I wanted to keep him because he is the only person who’s ever been able to figure me out from the inside out and be totally okay with me being me. But the truth is, he didn’t want the commitment of being the one owning me. It makes sense in a way about him and who he is. And I didn’t get that until last night. It became all clear to me that he IS and will never be different from who he naturally is and it’s ok. And it’s ok that at least I got to enjoy this epic experience with him. And for that I will always be grateful. I will always love him in the simple ways and in the tough ways that I felt for him. But the truth is, someone who doesn’t intend on keeping you forever, will never stick around and when they say that from the beginning and actually mean it, you gotta be ok with that. Because you consciously decide that that’s fine with you and you go along hoping just to enjoy the moment you have with them. That was exactly how our relationship was. He didn’t want me to get too attached which I did, but I made the conscious decision to pursue it even though it was never offered to me. And that’s my fault. He warned me, I wanted it. I wanted to be the girl he thought about. And I’m sure he will always think of me fondly. But I’m not the girl he’ll end up with. Because he doesn’t want to end up with any girl. And I can’t force him to want to. And I won’t. Because I know my value. And so does he. So it’s ok that we broke up. I’ll always love him. I hope he’ll always have a piece of me in his heart.

So, of course, being the whore that I am and wanting sooo bad to feel his touch I had him over. And even though it was not the greatest choice given the circumstances of my emotional vulnerability, I’m glad he came over. I’m glad I got to tease him about no longer being the owner of my body as he tortured my body trying to take back what was his. I’m glad his beast showed up and growled into my soul as our bodies ravaged each other for what I hope isn’t the last time, whether I have a relationship with him or not, I can’t deny that we have an intense sexual chemistry. One that seems to be insatiable to either of us. I have ALWAYS yearned for that hungry hatefuck. That, I’m going to destroy you because I know you need it fuck. And that’s what happened. I went sooooo deep into my subhigh that my subdrop was just as intense. When he came inside me, it felt like I had finally earned what I had yearned for for so long. That piece of him that I wanted so bad. His essence. The one thing that only he could give me. I had always wanted his cum any way I could get it because let’s face it. I’m a cum whore. And cum has such a special meaning to me in the submissive headspace I have for it. And last night, though it seemed like the last time I would receive it, felt like the first time I ever earned it. And for that I am grateful. Ripping our bodies on each other with every thrust he put inside me and every kiss I stole, every inch I taunted of his body was mine. Because I took it. Because I wanted it and I took it. And in return he did the same, he took my body. Fucked my brains out and still held me when I regressed. And this is the first time I have ever regressed this far into my little self. I cried heaving breaths of pure torture. I curled up in the fetal position trying to grasp onto this thing I’ve bottled up for so long and I needed to let it go. And I did. I got hatefucked. The one I always needed. The one that would restore my fairy light. Because I had been dying for so long. The one where I cried and let go of all my safety and found the air I needed in my soul. He gave that to me. And I have needed it for so long. So thank you. In letting go of me because you know it’s not good for me to string me along when it’s not what you want, you still kept your promise to me that you weren’t going to hurt me and leave me destroyed. I thought you were going to, I thought great “he’s gonna fuck me silly till I’m in the deepest darkest hole of my soul, then leave me because he wants to have nothing to do with me.” Now that I have had to look at it from the big girl picture of it, I’m glad he did it this way. I don’t even know if this is how he intended to do so, but I know for me, this experience built me rather than put me down. I don’t even know how he did it. Or even if he wanted to. But he did so regardless. And it really made me understand him and his point of view so much more clearly.

We always joked that James Deen a renoun porn star we both admire is his spirit animal. And for the first time ever, I grasped the epic gimmick that Kipp Rude is. And further more, having seen it from my perspective like this, gives me the sweetest most innocent dork moment of joy. Kipp rude to me, is the disciple of James Deen. In my happy little space, this is how I see him and it will always look like this to me now, because for the first time looking at it like this, I saw my daddy for who he is for the first time, and it was a great way for us to end our relationship. Kipp Rude is a nefarious whoremaster in training. His idol is James Deen known for his ways in dealing with little brats who trains them to be his good little whores. And this is exactly who Kipp Rude is. So yeah I’ll always be able to say, Kipp Rude is one of my favorite Daddies. Because he showed me him. And I got to have it. I got to taste and feel and touch it. And I got to be what every little thrives to be. She wants to be his good little girl and she wants even more to be his good little whore. And for the first time I finally got to be. And I’m really really glad I got to experience that with someone. So thank you again. For showing me the Daddy part of you I loved so much. For giving me something I truly always wanted to experience, and being the one I got to experience it with.

Saying goodbye doesn’t hurt as much knowing that for just a moment, I got to allow myself to be the best little girl I could be. That makes me happy. And it really makes me happy that you helped turn back on my fairy light. Because my wings were drooping and I was running out of faith trust and pixie dust. You, most likely not knowing you did so, gave that back to me. It will give me high hopes that my next daddy will have huge experiences to live up to that only you gave me.

Thank you for being my Daddy. And thank you also for releasing me. So that I could move on. Because even though I’m a brat and I wanted you, I also know you wanted the best for me and you knew that wasn’t going to be you. I’ll miss you. I hope it won’t be the last time I get to enjoy your energy. And I hope that even if it was just for a moment, I got to make you happy. Because you really did that for me. And I will always be grateful. Thank you for giving me safe place hugs, for giving me an opportunity to be a part of your time and energy, for all the fun and exciting experiences you gave me, for allowing me to be me and loving me through it, for showing me that I am special in my own way and not just the basic bitch we giggle about with our random hits. Thank you for showing me who you were. And that i could have faith in men because there are good guys like you out there who just want to give a girl some support and a good time. Without trying to hurt us. Those were the words you gave me the first time I felt feelings for you. That you just wanted to give me great experiences and be the first to show them to me. That you wanted to enjoy it together and that it was perfect to be just me. You’ll always be one of my favorite Daddies because now I see that this is what you wanted all along. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize. You showed me so much more in the six months we spent together that I have felt in so long. You’ve given me experiences I will always look back on with a naughty grin on my face. You made me feel beautiful even though we both know I’m a plain Jane. And you made me know that I was perfect just the way I am.

I’ll miss you and I’ll never forget you. And I will always remember us this way. Not all the fights we had or the hurt I caused myself for thinking this was much more than it was. You still stayed true to yourself and to me. Even when I put you through hell for it. And I’ll love you for that for forever.

A few unforgettable moments

My past post was written in a dark place I’ve found myself in for a few weeks. I know it brings concerns to you all but I swear I’ve worked through it and have constantly been working on it. Growth is measured by a product that is constantly growing right? So that’s what I’ve been doing.

It’s dawned on me that I’ve been looking at this in a pretty timorous angle. I’ve been comparing. A lot. And the thing is, there is no comparison. Catwoman has been kicking my ass giving me the moment of truth ass kicking. Keeping me from overthinking and really going off the deep end with my emotions. Some tough love was given to me by Cinny poo which I did indeed need to hear and realize over and over again that I am a worthy person. There is no comparison of my past to my present.

So this is what I have to say for myself. The wrestler has been amazing with me and it’s time to tell you all how.

When we first met it was this right here. I was apprehensive to taking him seriously. Because let’s face it, I’ve been hurt too many times to really let a guy in or at least drop some part of my walls down. But since the beginning, he’s shown me how different he is.

The first time we went out you all know about already. And honestly it’s still as titillating to me today as it was the first time I met him.

Our first few weeks together was a thrill. The first time we spent the night together he made me feel like I was the most beautiful girl. He didn’t let me hide my insecurities about my body but touched me like it was a delicate fruit being tasted with luxury.

The first time he showed me off as his was scary and thrilling. We went to a very risqué club where he let my carnal little sub come out and pleasured me in front of an audience while I took the reigns and seduced him with my body. It was pure lovemaking to a man I craved and still cannot be satiated of having. He took me, tasted and ruined me in bliss till I was a pile of goo. You could hear our lovemaking throughout the club it’s intensity drawing the crowd. My moans loud and hungry. His thrusts deep and dominating my entire being. There was no holding back. And no reason to hold back. As creepy as the onlookers were and so many of them inquired on being part of the fun, all I saw was my Daddy and how much I wanted him that night. Who knew that being in a partly public setting would let my submissive side really come out. I really must be an exhibitionist at heart because I dripped in anticipation all night for the wrestler.

The first time I went to one of his matches and actually every one I’ve been to since, I feel like he’s so glad to have me there. He low key shows me off… if he didn’t, I wouldn’t get as much attention as I do. I don’t know if you know that feeling. I for shits sake hadn’t been shown off by a man in I don’t even know how many years. I’ve met some of his friends now and instead of being just a groupie or what they call a ring rat, they treat me like he does. Like I belong there. Which, well let’s face it. I have no idea at all about the world of wrestling. I stick out like a sore thumb but he hilariously accepts that I’m there because of course I’m intrigued to be a part of his world and who wouldn’t be excited to be the cheer support of his??? Which btw I totally have a tee I made specifically for his shows which I’ll have to show off to you guys. But anyway, he’s got super cool nerdy wrestling friends and I always have such a good time. I’m actually pretty excited to go to his shows, it’s a great show, I love being his trophy fan and he knows I totally love seeing him in spandex 😍😍 lol. I mean I who wouldn’t??? 🤤🤤girls… I know that you guys think it’s just us who should wear tight stuff… I’m telling you when the beast comes out and he’s basically showing through the spandex… well there’s a lot to imagine 😏

It’s not always so physical with the wrestler. He’s actually shown me a lot of intimacy that i wasn’t expecting from him. I mean that in the best way too. Not just sexually but in the vanilla sense that well even us naughty little sluts dream of. The intimacy that comes with cuddles, the soft kisses on the forehead, the soft groping when he’s yearning for touch is just a little part of it. I love it when he’s had a hard day at work and even though he and i have worked all day he’ll tell me to come over. Then we cuddle and he holds me all night. I love when he low key tells me how he likes owning me by the silly texts he sends me throughout the day or how he’s constantly telling me that I’m beautiful. Or how he will call me a good girl simply because I say something in agreement or even by sending him my silly texts back. He’ll flirt with me in his silly nerdy way and it makes my little jump for joy that a Daddy finally wants me to come out and play in the little world. No sex involved. Just me being me. I love it when he tells me I look sexy when we both know I look like shit after a long day. I love how he compliments me and my body when I’m insecure. The other day I wore the dress he missed out on (which he actually helped me decide on when I bought it) when he couldn’t join me at my friends wedding and all day he stole touches on my body. Soft touches that tantalized my mind and my body. Not just the usual grab or grope, but the soft caress of a finger, marking my body, owning it and taking what is so naturally his to taunt and tickle.

He literally sent that to me one day. And took it to heart. He makes me feel so damn beautiful. Like there’s nothing even at my worst (which he has seen) that isn’t enough to arouse his mind with. Or how he holds my cold… let me rephrase that, frozen hands and body to warm me up when we’re snuggling in bed together. God this bliss I’m feeling is heavenly.

As I said, not all of our intimacy has been physical. I don’t know about you guys but for me…. meeting people that are close to you like family, is as intimate as it gets. He has yet to meet anyone in my family or my friends. But that’s also because my schedule with them is more hectic than ever these days. So really we just haven’t had the time for me to show him off rather than him showing me off like usual. I love that he’s not afraid of being with me. He’s not insecure about showing up with me. Like that’s not only super sexy in my book but really shows me that I do exist in his world. One of these occurrences was meeting his daughter… let me tell you about this. Not only is he sexy as hell to begin with. But he’s a good dad who’s raising his daughter right! Ladies and gents I have found a sexy ass Dad who’s dad mode makes my uterus scream “keep me and let me make your babies.” Watching him with his daughter is amazing. And getting to meet her will always be one of my most favorite days on earth. She is so spunky and adorable. She’s so much like her dad and yet all I want to do is make her happy and furthermore make her dad happy. Yesterday when he said I was going to be able to see her again I got sooooooooooooooooo excited. And I did. I loved seeing her. I loved how she asked if I was gonna stay and I loved knowing how she doesn’t hate me like I had originally thought she was going to. She’s had a chance to actually have her own opinion of me in her own specific view and I wouldn’t change that for the world! I really can’t wait to spend more time with her should Daddy allow me to.

We don’t have a label on this relationship thing we have going on. I don’t like the drama because I have enough of it on my own. And he detests the insecurity that weevils it’s way into it. So I take it a day at a time and honestly I’m okay with that. It’s not the “I love you” proclamations that are really not where we’re at right now. I know deep down I want him and his actions show me the same. It’s very adult. There hasn’t been much drama. Mostly the drama is brought on by miscommunication and insecurity I have which surprisingly he hasn’t let me down on either. Any man who doesn’t want you to be there will not waste his time and spend it with you. And he’s shown me that. Every time. He’s so damn patient with me when I’ve thrown a temper tantrum. He’s understanding when I tell him I need to be little. Or that I need to work on communication and he gives me time and works through it with me. Without any anger or hurtful words to me. He just takes it and works it, fixes it and helps me talk to him about it. And we work through it together. I’ve been having insecurity issues lately. I can’t help it. I want to be owned by my Daddy. So when anything (and I mean anything) stands in the way of that I close up. I freak out and shut down. And he talks to me about it. We work on my communication a lot. And honestly I need it. It’s been a long time since I had a Daddy who was interested in knowing how I felt and wanted something for me too. He’s been unselfish about it. It’s not all about just serving him. It’s about us having a chance to enjoy each other and taking it an adventure and experience at a time.

I think I’m falling for him. I’m scared to. I want it so bad. But I also know it’ll take time. Effort, love and trust. Respect and patience. I’m willing to put the effort into it. He’s totally worth every part of it.

Bearded for my pleasure

So the 10th will be two months since I started seeing the Wrestler. And I gotta say, it’s been pretty awesome. It’s been hard to really wrap my head about not being a part of Ches’ life but I’ve come to the realization more and more that we just were not meant to be. The Wrestler has really helped me feel good about myself again. For so long, the little part of me has been shut down from Dom after Dom. And for once, I can let her come out freely and it’s okay. Working the way I do, and having to carry the weight of so much worry and troubles within myself, and my family and work and so much more is exhausting. And he doesn’t seem to be exhausted by my whims. Every time I see him is like a new adventure. We pushes my boundaries a little more, he challenges my little to be open and free about herself. And that literally makes it soooooooooo nice to breathe. Recently, I got to see my favorite Kitty Selena Kyle. littleplusmore.wordpress.com Who showed me how much my time having spent with the Wrestler has meant to me. She said one thing that gave me the “aha” moment. She told me that she hadn’t seen me smile the way I do and giggle and laugh and shine the way I did for someone like this in a long time. And you know what??? I was glowing. I haven’t been with someone seriously for a long time. Especially someone who gets me, who really understands my little completely. We laughed and giggled all night. Just completely lavished on how happy these guys we’ve been seeing has given us hope that there is light at the end of this tunnel. She showed me that I was really becoming very attached to the Wrestler and it was okay to feel that way. So of course I did what every good little girl would do. I told the Wrestler how I felt about him. I told him that I was really happy we met and that I was becoming attached and it felt great to have found someone who understood that part of me. In recent posts I have written and rewritten about how much I missed my little or how much of her I had lost. For the first time in my life (including all the years I’ve been through with Daddy after Daddy) someone wasn’t afraid of handling my little. He’s got me in little space 24/7 these days. And he loves it. He constantly tells me that I’m sexy or that he enjoys me, or that it’s okay for me to communicate and sometimes, he even tells me to “use my big girl words” so I can communicate effectively. And when I’m too stressed or the big girl takes over, he eases me to find comfort and encourages my little to seek him. I mean WHO THE HELL DOES THIS GUY THINK HE IS? Doesn’t he realize that if my little comes out that she’ll take over??? And that it will be exhausting for him??? I swear I’ve bratted I’ve shown him crazy, I’ve shown him pitiful temper tantrums and it doesn’t phase him. The thing is, I’ve never had a Daddy who cared enough to actually mold my little. They were all so concerned with making my little have to grow up and be a big girl all the freaking time. The truth is, I am a big girl on the outside. Hell, I am a woman. An alpha Woman who is constantly constantly having to grow the fuck up. And that is EXHAUSTING!!!! I manage myself, my life, my finances, my work all by my damn self. And it’s exhausting having to be a big girl all the time. It’s exhausting having to be at the top of my game every single second of the day. I even said that to the Wrestler. “I’m tired of having to be an ALPHA woman all the time. Sometimes it’s nice to let go and have someone else take the reigns, sometimes it’s nice to be able to not have to be in control.” And all he says is, “I know.” And then he lets me breathe. Takes the reigns and lets me just be me. He lets me fall into his arms exhausted by the worries of my world to let me calm myself and let go. Find my little space and relax. Serving him is so easy. He doesn’t want the drama or the epic “Daddy I can’t survive without you.” All he wants is the “Daddy I know I can do it all without you but I want to let you take care of me.” And actually lets me. No questions asked and no judgement given. And I get to breathe. So what’s wrong with me??? Nothing. I am a beauty, something hard to find and something worthy. Someone who is a badass and someone who is kind and caring. And he lets me be all of that no demands given. And furthermore acknowledged. That’s a big important word right there. Acknowledged. He gives me the credit that I am all those things and that it’s okay to want to let go and relax. And he does so consistently. I got so worried about not knowing how he felt about it that it put me in a really really dark subdrop space for a day. And then he told me to come over and all he did that entire night was hold me. And not like the spooning cuddles but the actual head on his chest with his arms wrapped tightly around me holding. No kisses no sex just holding me. He let me relax and let go of the fears that I’ve been fighting with since we met. And it was wonderful. A breath of fresh air is an understatement. It was more like a tidal wave hit and the calm set in. There was no pushing away, or telling me I was being annoying or that I was being a brat. It was calm, quiet, safe. What if this is something real? I mean emotionally, I haven’t been able to give my all to him, it’s only been a few months so of course I have my worries and my doubts. But at the end of the day, he’s there. Every day he texts me. Every day he puts me at ease. Every day since the day I met him I’ve been able to get some air and actually let go of the breath I’ve been holding in for so long. So let me tell you about the title of this post. The inside joke is that the Wrestler has a t shirt he uses for his wrestling gimmick that literally says “bearded for her pleasure.” And well I know absolutely NOTHING about pro wrestling. But recently I got to go to one of his matches (finally 🙌🏼) and the gimmick one uses is who defines them in the wrestling world. It makes sense, actors are known for their specific acting skills, musicians and artist are known for their specific gimmicks. What makes them stand out. So anywho, I went to the match, and saw his alter ego come out and it was amazing. It’s literally surreal. And it was so nice to see him in his element. It was even nicer being shown off to his friends and fellow wrestlers as His. So when he asked me to go to his next match, I suggested, I’m gonna make a t shirt to fan girl for my Wrestler. And what do you know we came up with the perfect slogan for my fan tee. Bearded for my pleasure. Because it’s nice to be wanted. It’s nice to show support and know that it is acknowledged and furthermore that I belong in his world and to be owned. So yes, serving him is easy. I’m allowed to crave him and want his attention because he encourages it. I’m allowed to breathe and let go of my big girl duties. I’m allowed to want to be wanted and actually know that I am wanted. And that’s a beautiful thing. I still want to take it slow YES, but I can also be open to this amazing connection i have with him. So maybe bearded for her pleasure really just means, he’s there for my needs as well. That it’s okay for me to want him. Because he wants me back. Then today, my sweet Cinny Poo https://vanillawithatouchofcinnamon.wordpress.comSent me some much needed advice from some tarot readers. And all of them said the same exact thing. Which incidentally was exactly what I needed to hear. “It’s okay to let go of what and who was holding me back. And for me to be open to what may be to come. I do know this, he makes me feel like I am the only woman in his world right now, and that he wants me. Just me, and I can’t wait to see where we go.

Trying to find peace within the crazy.

Today I was on fet reading my past about me sections…. and i remember when I wrote this a few weeks ago. It’s bitter but honest and tonight/this morning I’m feeling it more than ever…. I’ve become so lost lately. Wondering if I will ever reach the air. I’m trying to find what made me strong to begin with. But tonight, I leave this here. Because the night I wrote it, I was torn. I’m still torn… and I guess I just needed to share. 

Ive come to the conclusion that growth can hurt sometimes. But in order to grow, sometimes you need to look beyond the hurt and the pain and take each moment for what it is worth and work with it and move on. I’m not the sassy girl I used to be. I’m broken, torn, glued together by the workings of my life that I can muster up, and I’ve come out of it before. I am tenacious and willing for the right reasons and the best friend that you could have if you let me. But I am also a person who needs to be needed. I know who I am and I’m not willing to settle for less than I am worth. Not anymore. 

Don’t fucking have a little if you won’t take the damn responsibility.

**warning… this post will probably annoy the shit out of you and I withhold my filter today. So if you don’t like it…. fuck off**
I’ve gotten to a point this year where I’m really to fall off the wagon into the river, drift into the crashing rapids, and slowly sink to the bottom of the deep dark place that the sediment falls into. It hurts me to have to write this. But damn it I’m fucking tired. I’m fed up with not being enough.

This school quarter is kicking me right in the vagina!! Not only am I two points shy of failing my pharmacology class but yesterday, I totally fucked up and I lost my confidence in myself over a simple procedure. Anyone who knows nurses knows that the first thing you do when you walk into that patient’s room is you show confidence so that the patient doesn’t worry. Well I fucked up at  the med cart which i fixed there, but my confidence at the bedside totally fucked me over. And the instructor will probably never have faith in me again. Which is sad because previous to that, she just told me and my classmate that we were doing good and she felt confident in our care. Well fuck you life for making me jinx it all by my damn self. 

This isn’t about that. 

My best friend Selina Kyle suggested to me to write out my feelings today because obviously speaking isn’t helping. So I’m taking her advice and doing so.

I’m feeling neglected these days. Yes I do know that I love thousands of miles away from everyone in the entire world. Yes I understand that there are more important things than my little meltdowns. And yes I understand  that I just need to grow up about it and move on. I have my own pair of cajones thank you. I can take care of myself and have been doing so my entire Fucking life. Because I have learned that relying on other people is to rely on the fact that not only will they disappoint you in the end but you will disappoint yourself for having too much faith in people who don’t give a fuck about you. My parents for example… my entire life had been devoted to making them proud till the one time I fall and they  don’t even care to want to offer me any help in any freaking situation. I’m getting to the point bare with me…. 

when it comes to little’s, in my case middles, whatever the fuck you want us to call it. Stop right there and back the fuck off unless you are ready to handle what it entails. 

The first time a girl gives up her walls and calls you Daddy… unless you are comfortable with that title and what it means, tell her to stop and don’t give her any fucking hope. Because that moment that you did so, she gave you the biggest thing she could ever offer up to you. Herself. Broken and glued back together again with the paste of what is her life her past and her hope for the future. If you allow it and take it for all that it is worth and understand that, great. If not but you let her anyway…. you’re an asshole because you have her hope and she needed you to let her. But you aren’t willing to make it worth your while to care for her most precious gift and that makes you an asshole. 

Don’t fucking lie to her about how much you love her if you aren’t willing to show it to her. I’m not talking about gifts and material love. I’m talking about the “I love you” “I want you” “I need you” love. The way you go out of your way to make someone know you love them. Even with simple shit like words. 

If she ever says she needs you or that she misses you. That’s a god damn gift asshole. This girl does it all by her damn self and more. But the fact that she wants you of all things… she thinks you are worthy of being wanted. She needs you because she knows no one else will make her feel the way you do. Because you matter to her more than anyone else. 

Please for the love of all that is good stop making her wait for you to step up. She already gave you the power to do what ever with her. You are her priority. Make sure you’re willing and care enough to make her yours. 

If not, for goodness sakes talk to her and let her go. If you aren’t willing to be that for her, stop hurting her by making her feel like  it’s all okay when you already know you don’t want the precious gift she has to give you. Remember you didn’t choose her. She fucking thought you were the world and chose you. Even though time and again she couldn’t rely on anyone. She thought you were worth it. Be worth it damn it! 

The ball is in your court Make sure You’re willing to get in the game or get the fuck out. She’s waisted enough time feeling unworthy and unwanted. 

It’s not hard to love her so love her. It’s not rocket science. If it’s not worth your time. Let her go because in the end. You’re hurting her more by just ignoring her or letting her down because you won’t step up. Ruin her lipstick damn it. She’s fucking tired of buying mascara! 

By the way. If she’s being a brat. Figure that shit out. Why is she being a brat? Because somewhere she is feeling icky with herself and she needs that stability. Your fucking so called sterness… is bullshit and she sees right through it. Take care of it. If you don’t want to because it’s too much for you, get the fuck out. 

Three days

Three days 

Missing the sounds of your voice 

Missing the love that I felt

Missing the safety of your love 

The embrace of your arms
Three days

The silence in my heart

The rage in my mind

The torture of wanting 

The pain from my own doing

Where have you gone
Three days

Missing the warmth of your laughter

Missing the temptation of your demeanor

Missing the longing of your presence

How long will this last
Three days

And I am come to a sadness

A hurt and a longing

Not knowing where to belong
Three days

My days have been torture

Come back to me

Show me you see it

Give me hope where my heart falters

…ill tell you a secret, all the best people are!

Today I watched the new  Alice through the looking glass movie and I was intrigued by something pretty amazing. Alice and the Hatter have an amazing relationship where one longs for the others companionship. A good and true friendship that time nor distance between this world or that world could ever Tear them apart. 

Then I got on fetlife and re read one of my posts I posted about a year ago. It was called “I’ve been waiting for you my whole life” 

https://littletinkercake.wordpress.com/2015/09/16/ive-been-waiting-for-you-my-whole-life/
And it reinstated my love for my Ches. His name isn’t actually Ches… Which a lot of people don’t get. But Alice is actually how I started to adore Him. He has this beguiling Cheshire smile. And to this day, it still gives me butterflies when he gives it to me. Ever since then, he’s always been my Ches. 

Speaking of smiles… (Sorry random rant) my first ever huge crush told me something I will never forget he said “never frown, you never know who may be falling in love with your smile.” He said that to me as I was sitting by the lake at summer camp crying because I won second place in the solo competition. I was thirteen…depressed and this is how I got to become friends with him. Funny how that works doesn’t it??? 

Anyways where was I? Cheshire smiles that make your heart melt. Ches has that kind of smile. It’s hidden. Mysterious. Devious and devlishly handsome. One of those smiles that would make your heart skip and swoon. But behind that is warmth, strength, courage beyond words. It makes me so proud to know I am His. To see where we’ve come since we met almost two years ago. To see where we may be headed. I still love him like an endless teenage longing. 

He’s been more of a friend to me when I’m scared of failing, my encourager, my steady beat than any man who’s ever come into my life. He takes me as I am. He “gets” my madness my ever increasing brattiness and gives me calm when I’m freaking out. Hell he’s even patient with me as he try’s to teach me med math! 😂 which by the way… Dimensional analysis is bull. Lol 

But… In all the good things. Of course there’s no perfection. Perfection is unobtainable and should stay that way. Sure he could show me more of that dominance more often… Put me over his knee more… Put me in my place when I’m being a great big brat. But when you’re a thousand miles apart that’s hard to do and it must be exhausting sometimes. Please understand…I am not complaining. I’m merely pointing out that I’m a little who needs lots and lots and lots of stern discipline. Because if I don’t get it. I become a brat and it makes me have a hard time breathing. And I know all you littles understand what I mean when I say I need to breathe.

I truly am a lucky girl. I drive him insane but he chose me. He drives me nuts but I love it. I’m “mad” for the love it feel from him and for him. It’s fascinating. How much love you can find in someone who just feels like it is meant to be. 

An update on our DD/lg… He read me a legit bed time story the other night. Then he sang to me the Adorkable songs we love and fell in love through. He’s my Ches/Hatter to my Alice, my Beast to my Belle. My Joker to my Harley, My hook to my tink. My Daddy. And I am the luckiest girl in the world. 😊

I’m tired of being big

  

   
    
 This month well I guess since Valentine’s Day weekend has been particularly gruesome. I had a fall out with my parents which led to me being screwed over again and it also put a huge toll on my finances. Why is it that every time I get a teeny bit ahead something crazy happens and I fall back to a place that’s worse than I had started. The only thing good is that I am finally back to the point where school is coming up again. I cannot wait to get back into the habits of being a student. Recent convos with the people I love most in my life have really reestablished my confidence in the path I’m taking in this particular field. What I’ll be studying will benefit not only myself but all those I love.
A great part of this crazy time is knowing that I’ve been spoiled with the time I’ve been able to spend with my Daddy. He’s been with me since January and it’s wonderful having him here. I experienced my first actual hardcore scene. Belt marks included and all. With a pillow fort and a three hour lolly session. Holy fudgecicles I didn’t know that I could take a lolly soooo far down my throat for so long. I don’t know what came over him but it was magical. Like I kid you not it was like a three hour blow job. (yummmmmmmm.) It was also my First experience with real sub high. I was high on it for days. And it’s been nice just being able to cuddle every day. He’s more of a cuddle butt than I am (can you imagine?) so by the time hes finally asleep the inches I inch away to get into a more comfy position only gets me into the “babe….. Snuggle!!!!” Which I LOVE!!! He’s like a cat. Pet me! Giggles. It’s pretty much amazing. I get all the snuggles I need to fall asleep. I don’t know how I’ll last without him :,( I keep thinking to myself… It’s just a few months I’ll be okay right??? Can’t believe it’s almost been a year together. And I still love him like its my souls fulfillment to. I’ve completely fallen for his family and they love me just the same. Always asking how I’m doing and when I’ll move up there closer to them. He’s so lucky to have such a supportive family who loves him.

I can’t wait to see where our futures lie. I know how excited I am and we constantly talk about the future we will build together. I won’t lie, things aren’t perfect we have our days where we bother the hell out of each other. But when we set aside those days we also have those wonderful days we spend doing the tiny things like sit and watch movies together or make meals together and giggle and laugh at the funny things my dog does. He smiles and my heart completely melts. His kisses make my knees weak and I surrender all those moments that aren’t joyful.

It’s so easy living with him. Although………. He complains of me making him fat. Hey I can’t help it that I only cook heavy food. A girls gotta have her meat and good homecookin 😉 but then again…. He’s a great cook himself so it’s probably a good idea for both of us to try to be health concious when we cook amazingly yummy meals like we have these past few months. And did I mention my dog is completely obsessed with him???? My dog barely looks at me anymore hahaha. We’re both going to miss him when he eventually has to leave :,(

I need little time. This whole having to be big for so long is stressing me out.

Feeling different this year so far

I think after three years of discovering this whole chocolate world I’ve finally grown into my own. From all the good I mean great advice. And all the guidance and support from my dearest friends. I’ve come to notice the change in myself from three years ago. Three years ago when I finally found this, I was a lost little. Today that little girl is still little but a little less lost. 

My goals have turned into something I can actually look forward to in my future. My past has grown bittersweet. This time last year I was going through emotional breakdown. This year I’ve got my head up a lot more. I know exactly where I want to be and everything I’m doing is to make sure I get there. 

Ches has been a blessing for me too! I thank God for sending him into my life every day. I swear that man has the patience of a saint. I not so much. But he’s working on getting to where he wants to be too and I think for both of us, this love that’s grown between us just works. I feel so comfortable knowing how easy the love we have for each other flows between us. I’m not saying our relationship is perfect I mean there isn’t a such thing as perfection and to seek it is ridiculous. But… He’s pretty amazing. And he makes me feel amazing. I honestly think that’s all that matters to both of us at this point. Who knew love could be so simple??? Of course I’m still dying inside not being able to be with him more…but this is only temporary. And hey he’s coming to see me for a few weeks so I don’t mind 😊. 

You know what’s funny???? This time last year, everything was falling apart. This year so far…. Though I sure always do have my struggles, doesn’t seem so crazy yet. School is almost here again and this time I’m a little bit more ready for life changing craziness. It’s awesome how much struggle can show you how strong you can be. Life throws those crazy curveballs your way. You just gotta dust off the dirt and look for that next base, make a run for it and hope that you touch that home plate! (Holy crap I finished an entire baseball reference go tigers)

That little girl from Detroit…. Is gonna be an awesome little nurse from Detroit one day! She’s gotta hit Texas for a little bit then marry the man of her dreams then finish off her career so she can have that bakery she always wanted first but she’s getting there 😉 things are looking up 🙂 and so it my head!  

 

Feeling really little lately

   
 
I have been feeling really little these past few weeks. Like not the little that’s adorable and happy and gitty. The vulnerable scared little who’s kind of lost and scared all at the same time. I’ve never really liked having a crazy amount of attention focused on me because I really hate being in the spotlight. But I’m craving it all of a suddenly. Like I need it and want it but I’m not satisfied with it either. I can’t imagine how annoying that can be for Ches.

 I know I’ve been driving him insane and it freaks me out. I’ve lost my ability to easily communicate because I don’t know what to say and it makes me feel insecure. And I don’t know why it has to effect me so much. I find myself getting so easily jealous of little things that shouldn’t make me feel that way and I find myself digging myself into a deep pit of depressed thoughts.

And to make things worse, I’ve not shown my appreciation for what I have with Ches. I try to tell him every day that I love him and tell him how special I think he is in all the ways I think he is. But lately it seems were just preoccupied with something else. 

I knew what I was getting into when I told Ches how I felt about him. He was getting over this crazy chick who literally ruined every part of him. We were both in a spot that we both really needed healing. Lately I’ve been feeling I’m not good enough to be what it is that will heal him. 😢 I understand, we all go through our trials and they take time to heal. But I can’t help it that it bothers me so much that even the mention of her name can put my Ches in a state that is is just so down putting. I am not saying that he is downputting. He is anything but. He’s constantly telling me he loves me and this and that. He’s never said anything intentionally hurtful to me. But it still bothers me so much how much his ex can effect him. It’s gotten to the point sometimes where I feel he is even further away from me than the already hundreds of miles we are apart. How do you deal with bad juju from someone who you don’t even know? It’s like I’m afraid that her actions in his past will effect how he deals with me. 

I mean I have my battle scars all over my heart. I’ve been through hell and back and somehow I’m still standing. But how do you deal with a Demon that won’t disappear because you don’t know how to get rid of it for good? Especially when it’s your entire purpose to be that light for him? I guess I feel insecure because I’m afraid he’ll just think ill be just like her so it’s hard for him to open up to me in a way I can understand. His outlets are completely different than mine. And I’m still learning how to deal with mine as it is. How do you be the light for someone who’s off in a distant galaxy in which you don’t belong. You didn’t cause the pain but it’s there. You feel it with him. But you don’t know what to do to help him. It’s put me in an odd spot. It’s made me irritated and confused and honestly lost. I don’t know. 

On a random thought…. Someone I talked to the other day asked why I always put myself in these situations. I couldn’t answer her. She says I’ve changed. I seem to be a little anti social lately. Maybe I just need some quiet. Maybe I just need to be held. I miss my Daddy. Maybe that’s all it is.