Things haven’t been little in a long time

I think I’ve gotten to the point in my life and my relationships that have become vanilla. I haven’t even felt the rush of excitement about empty threats from naughty behavior like I used to. I think at this point. It’s just not there anymore. Or if it is even there, it’s been hiding under a heap of craziness that I just don’t care to unload. I love having friends like Selena who send me snarky adorable texts in the morning. Or Cinny poos super adorable pics. I love Samara’s tinder date fiascos. And I love being in love with Ches. But my little is hiding somewhere. She hasn’t been there for me lately. 

This constant ache that I need to have some sort of control in my life has been lacking. I find myself just not caring and feeling bad that I fight it. The pilot texted me a few days ago saying that he hoped I was receiving that control and I laughed. Because it’s not present. Because even when it is, I push it away like it’s not even there. I think it’s because I don’t see it anymore. I think that’s the worst part. Is knowing it’s not there anymore. I know she wants to come out and just chill. But I also know I can’t let her out and she has no good reason to come out. 

It’s been a hard few months. I’m constantly battling myself. Going insane over my job, not getting enough breathing time in between school and study and work. Constantly daydreaming about a year from now when I graduate so I can go home.

Nothing seems to pacify this need I have for it. Nothing will quench the thirst or the hunger I have inside.